Advice For When She Won’t Even Talk About Sex
When we get emails from followers that both touch our heart and describe a problem common to many of you, we ask for permission to post the story.
If George’s story helps you, please post a comment below so we know we’ve made a positive impact on your life.
This is George’s story about his new girlfriend, who is conservative and doesn’t like talking about sex with him.
I have never done this before, but I will tell you my story. I am a 63 year old widower who was married for 41 years to a wonderful woman in so many ways, but who was shut down sexually. I was so frustrated that at times I hated my own sexuality and wished it would go away. Her attitude during our last years of marriage was, “do we have to do that again” or “let’s get this over with.” She was very sick and died of stage 4 breast cancer right in our home before my eyes so I made no demands on her the last three years of her life but this had been her attitude for the last two decades of her life. I tried everything, but she was not open to vibrators or even sensual massages.
Now, a year after her death, I am in a new relationship with an absolutely wonderful and beautiful woman who is passionate about life and physical expression but doesn’t feel free to talk about sex. Her husband has been dead for 4 1/2 years and she does not masturbate and even though she gets so hot and squirms wonderfully when we kiss passionately, she will not let herself go there and find any kind of orgasmic release. She, like my wife of 41 years come from a Christian background – kind of the shut down variety where you don’t talk about sex. I, on the other hand, even though I am also in the Church, have studied human sexuality and response just because of my own interest and also to help couples I was counseling who were struggling with the sexual aspect of their relationship.
I am okay with not going all the way and intend to not have sex before we get married, so we are on the same page there, but I would like to discuss it openly without reserve or inhibition. She lives three states away and I am going to see her for the third time in two and a half weeks from now. We love each other and the relationship is growing deeper all the time even over the distance between us.
Here is my question and the thing I wonder about: Did I do something in my marriage to shut my wife down sexually so that she wouldn’t trust me?
She had been sexually abused by her brothers and several other boys as a young girl (she was a beauty queen) but she never felt pretty and could never receive my love even though I tried so hard to express it. The fact that I wanted sex turned her off. We went on dates every Friday night and I would bring her flowers but she would say, “do we always have to have sex after a date?” Then she would say something like all I ever think about is sex. I would say, “that’s not true. Sometimes I think about food,” Anyway, I don’t want to make the same mistake with this new woman. I don’t want to turn her off with my passion, desire and freedom in the sexual area. She is hot and loves sex and making love, but she as well says no to vibrators and oral sex and masturbation. You talk about getting through to even the most shut down woman in your promotional material. I would like to believe that is possible. She has this lovely naughty side where she teases me and tantalizes me and I love it. I admit that I don’t know how to capitalize on that side of her and bring more open expression from her heart.
So there, I did something I have never done before – respond to an invitation to tell my story. I have listened to several “sex experts,” but I like what you say the most. You seem the most balanced to me. I love your series on the 30 minute orgasm and the seduction trilogy but right now, it would only cause me frustration because I cannot bring her into that area yet and I am committed to being faithful to her.
So, is there anything you have to say to me in my situation? Is there any hope or help for me? Thank you for asking for me to tell you my story. It feels good just getting it down in print.
This is Sloane Fox, the Sensual Ambassador at Personal Life Media and all these emails come through me before being routed to our experts like Patti.
Your story is touching and we hear variations on it often.
Though I’m sure Dr. Patti will reply, she’s on email only a couple times a week or month to respond to these kinds of questions.
In the meantime, I first want to thank you for writing to us.
And I am truly sorry you lost your first wife. No man deserves the sadness that losing your wife to cancer entails. My husband lost his mother this way as a young boy and my stepmother left us in the same sad way. So we feel you.
Secondly, I am glad you are trying to figure out how not to have the same situation occur for you with your new woman. And congratulations on finding another lovely woman to bring into your life.
To get you started, I have some immediate advice from Dr. Patti’s ebooks and audio called Seduce Her Tonight and the Seduction Accelerator. These two will teach you the 4 interlocking keys to seduction.
What I’d recommend is that you do not allow your new girlfriend NOT TO TALK ABOUT SEX. George, you need to talk to her with vulnerability and tell her how important physical intimacy is to you. And that you need to understand her feelings about it and she yours. If you start off letting her not talk, you’ll be in exactly the same boat as before.
Find out what her experiences are. What her beliefs are. What she’s liked in the past or what she’s always wished she could have.
You don’t need her to use a vibrator. Your fingers, mouth and penis will be just fine (penetration after marriage included). And let go of your past situation and focus on your new love afresh. Hear her stories. But make sure she’s willing to talk. Find a way to make it safe for her. When you find what she has enjoyed, you’ll be better informed to work your way to that using her positive past experiences or her fantasies of what she’d like it to be like for her when you finally become intimate.
Learn from Dr. Patti’s work how to make small offers that are right sized for her. Warm her up slowly. But tell her, this is a priority for your life. You won’t go without physical intimacy or communication again in a relationship. And that you are willing to navigate her fears and needs and go slowly.
Use Small Offers, Erotic Vigilance, Vulnerability and Vision to communicate with her.
Email us if you have any questions before or after seeing her.
And let us know how it goes!
P.S. If it goes well, you can try Expand Her Orgasm Tonight once you start getting sexually serious with her. I think it may be exactly perfect for you to help her be multi-orgasmic.
From Dr. Patti:
George, thank you for writing and sharing your story.
I am sorry for your loss, and also, happy to hear you have a new relationship that seems to be deepening.
I love what Sloane recommended, so I will only see if I can add anything.
I believe in WYSIWYG. Ever heard this term? It’s an acronym for “What you see is what you get.”
So, if nothing changes, then you can expect your relationship to continue after marriage along pretty much the same route you are currently on together.
If you want things to be different (and presumably better) you must take action now while you are still in the dating phase. Otherwise you are in fact endorsing this behavior (of her not talking, being shut down, etc.) and your partner will most likely be upset that you want any kind of change later on. (She’ll say, “You never said anything before!”)
It’s not that I am not compassionate for her situation, I am. But if you are not happy, at some point, she won’t be, either, and so, it’s the loving thing to do to come clean with your own needs, wants, and desires ASAP.
Now… before marriage… is the time to work things out. And then, after marriage, you will have set in place the lines of communication to keep working things out.
It’s more about the process – can we talk? – than about what is said. In other words, having a process by which the two of you can discover and meet each others needs in an ongoing way is the best guarantee of a sexually (and otherwise) intimate partnership.
My Seduction Trilogy program can support you and your girlfriend too in creating a process that will create intimacy – if she is interested.
Best of luck,
Dear Patti and Sloane,
I am enjoying the first two programs (Seduce Her Tonight and Seduction Accelerator) very much and will be going through them a second time soon. In a little over a week, I will be visiting with her for a two week period and I can’t wait to try out some of my newly learned insights with her. Actually, I have already used them to kind of get into her mind and heart and it has worked famously. Our two hour telephone on Valentine’s Day was epic for us. So again, thank you.
My love and gratitude,
Next week I’m traveling 3 states away for a two week visit with the woman I have been telling you about. This is a kind of make it or break it season for our relationship. I am already in love with her and she with me but I have to know her attitude about all things sexual. I have a prepared list of 85 questions to talk about with her. I will not ask these questions all at once, of course, and I will begin with little requests as Patti teaches. I have also prepared a list of what I want sexually that Patti suggested. I don’t know if our relationship is ready for that whole revelation yet but I have written it down. My question is this, would you like to see the questions I intend to use to bring up this subject with her? I am looking for your guidance in doing this so that is the reason for the question.
Let me know. By the way, you are one beautiful woman!
85! Egad. Yes, send ‘em over. I’ll look at it all.
One thing you might enjoy is turning it into a game you two can play.
Put these questions on little cards and she can pick the ones she likes best to talk about with you.
My friend, Susan Campbell, created a game called Getting Real: Truth in Dating.
Perhaps putting your questions on “cards” from which she can choose would help ease her into your desire to talk all this through?
Ok Sloane, brace yourself. Attached are the 84 questions. This list also includes my sexual likes. Remember, I custom designed these questions for two healthy 63 year olds. These questions are only for the first stage of a dating relationship. Those questions for engagement and marriage are still to come. My plan for next week was to start the conversation with number 80 and see where it leads although, I like your idea of the game you suggested. Thank you for the additional information too. I will check it out.
These are just the most super sweet and adorable loving questions I’ve ever seen in such a great list.
1) Consider removing the part about her instigating as much as you do. “In fact that she would pursue me as much or more than I pursue her” This ain’t never gonna happen and it puts pressure on her that will make her uncomfortable. Just let that go. Own the instigation yourself as the sexual leader. If she ever does instigate, show your tremendous appreciation and don’t set any expectation that it will ever happen again. Just tell her you really loved and appreciated it.
2) Instead of “dirty talk,” I’d write, “sexy talk.” It’s more palatable to a woman and essentially the same thing.
A game where she can pick the questions she feels comfortable with, from any category, is the best way to proceed here.
Give her LOTS of headroom.
Thank you so very much – you’re so right in your observations. I have already made the changes on my list. You would think that after 41 years of marriage to the same woman and 4 years of dating and courtship with her that I would know these things – but I have so much to learn so again thank you for your help. Sooo, headroom it is for this new friend of mine. Would you suggest I send this list on ahead to her or just hand it to her when I am with her?
Don’t send ahead and don’t hand her a list.
Make little cards like the game template attached and cut them on a paper cutter.
That makes it a game. She can sort through and pick the ones that are in her comfort zone.
And you can play the game at dinner or sitting around, when ever you want.
These are VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU – but you need to make this experience a conversation full of ease and fun for her.
Release your goals. Release your attachment to any outcome.
It totally makes sense. We are both committed to bringing happiness to any situation we can and if there is joy to doing what we can to increase that joy. So it has to be easy and fun and there can be no pressure. It has to be totally relaxed and at ease.
I think she is bracing herself from a conversation we had when I first met her three months ago. (That’s when I asked her some pretty explicit sex questions and talked about marriage which she later said “freaked her out.”) We both know the topic has to come up but there can’t be any expectations or pressure of any kind.
This game idea would circumvent the whole notion of “the big sex talk!”
It is true, I have to release this whole thing because it is extremely important to me and if she is totally closed to discussing sexual things and will not respond to my gentle coaching, I will probably end the relationship in time.
So even though it is that important to me, I must release my attachment to any outcome.
Sloane, that statement was profound, you know. You are amazing! How did you learn to be so in touch with your femininity and sexuality and what you really want when most women can’t articulate what they really want and need? And you do it with such ease and singularity – no wasted words which in itself is amazing. Dr. Patti should give you a raise in my humble opinion.
I know you must be super busy, but I am indebted to you for the time you have given me and the insight you have shared with me.
Love ya for it,
My pleasure. Helping you helps me help others more efficiently. I appreciate YOU being able to tell me what’s really happening in your life. It adds a richness to my experience whereby I can have more insight to leverage everywhere.
Please let me know how it goes.
P.S. Some of the best lovers I know are in their 60′s. I think it’s a time of integration of life experience, sexual technique and patience that creates really good lovemaking. So you are right to put a lot of attention on getting exactly what you want.
P.P.S. I copied Patti on this so she’ll give me a raise. Tee Hee.
I journal almost everything that happens in our relationship so I would be delighted to share with you the results of this next venture. I hope you get that raise :o)
Hugs and kisses to you,
You’re the greatest! I began reading Expand Her Orgasm Tonight last night. All I can say is “WOW!” I sure wish I were married right now so I wouldn’t have to wait to experience what Dr Patti has put together for the betterment of mankind!
I also wish I had access to this information some 40 years ago. It would have made a remarkable difference in my marriage. I never understood her, she never really understood her feelings and for most of the time we were at an impasse regarding certain things in our relationship and never discussed them. We had a good marriage, but it could have been so much better. Well, that has been part of the grief process I have endured this past year. I am doing much better now, to be sure.
I am trying some of the communication techniques of listening and feeling with my daughter, who is in her 30′s. She just comes alive when I do that. I told her I was doing some reading on relationships and she asked me what book I was reading – I thought that was funny.
I took your game idea and typed up two categories of ten questions each using those 84 questions I sent you. The questions in the first category are rather light and the second category are more sexually explicit. I plan to add a third category of really explicit questions. But I will just let my new girlfriend pick questions that fit her level of comfort. I pray it will work and that it will be fun and that it will open up deep dialog between us so I can get a feel of where she is in her comfort level of talking about sexual matters. We’ll see. I’ll let you know how it works.
Again, I cannot begin to express my gratitude for your generosity toward me. I get all these pitches from so many different so called gurus in this industry, and even though many of them seem real good, I think Patti’s is the best and now I have her material to enjoy. It makes me feel warm all over.
Warm hugs to you today,