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Reclaiming Desire Workshop [Summary + Pics]

Reclaiming Desire Workshop [Summary + Pics]

I attended a workshop called, “Reclaiming Desire,” with Deborah Anapol [The 7 Natural Laws of Love] and Dossie Easton [The Ethical Slut] in Marin, California this weekend and here’s my synopsis.

Lack of desire doesn’t mean you’re broken. First, Dossie and Deborah cite Jack Morin’s work in “The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Sexual Passion and Fulfillment.”

“Arousal depends on the existence of two things: Safety and Risk.”

How To Cultivate Desire
If your safety conditions are met and there’s some edginess and adrenaline involved in the sexual opportunity, desire will be present.

It’s imperative, if you are leading your woman into arousal, to understand thoroughly her “safety conditions” and what she’ll find “risky” that will still maintain her conditions for safety.

For example, she might want to have a hot make out with you in the back seat of your car parked on the street outside the restaurant after dinner IF the windows are dark enough that no one can see inside.

She might be willing to let you massage and stroke her beautiful ass as long as you don’t touch her directly on her anus.

What would be edgy but still safe?

This is the line of thinking to pursue to keep desire glowing.

What Prevents Desire?
I also learned that the opposite of desire is not the absence of it. There is no “opposite of desire.”

When you feel desire you experience emotions such as lust, passion, longing, wanting, craving, tingling, willing…

What covers up desire is feeling the opposite, such as boredom, apathy, emptiness, anger, fear, numbness, coldness, self-loathing, depression, pain, indifference, apathy or being controlled.

“Our natural state is desire, but it gets covered up by unfelt emotions you’re carrying around,” says Deborah Anapol.

If you want to increase desire, find out what is covering it up. Solve the issues that prevent you from feeling desire.

According to Dossie, the way to increase desire sexually is to realize that feelings of desire must start with a life of passion, a desire to experience all the goodness of life, not just sex.  Become someone that others desire. Get out of the narrow focus on sex, turn it around so you are the object of desire.

She says, “Tantric understanding of desire or passion is that it’s not focused on a person, it is a life full of desire.”

I couldn’t help thinking about the parallel within Revive Her Drive where the game plan for turning your woman on starts first with “bringing pleasure into her life every day.” This is the Tantric approach – create a life of passion by focusing on pleasure in all its forms.

If You’ve Lost Your Capacity To Feel Desire
Deborah and Dossie went on to suggest you generate feelings of aliveness, increase your presence in the moment and bring that to your sensual encounter with your lover.

Though pornography and sexual experiences are often the two ways people seek desire, Dossie and Deborah suggest, “non-demand pleasuring” strategies such as Tango dancing, Sandbox (sexual learning and practice) Dates, Breathwork, Fantasy Exploration.

Note: The third eBook/audiobook in Dr. Patti Taylor’s program, Seduction Trilogy is called, Her Sexual Trainer: Unlock Her Most Intense Sexual Responses.” Learn how to play with fantasy to deepen her desire and pleasure.

Desire Is Life Force
Desire can be used up battling disease as well as battling negative emotions. When we put demand on it, it elicits the opposite affect. Blame and conflict show up in unmatched desire. If you think your partner has “less desire” than you do, that’s erroneous thinking. Unmatched desire is a fallacy. We all have the same, infinitely expandable potential to feel desire. You’ll need to increase your couples communication and be willing to talk about and listen to difficult feelings and then make conscious agreements to get from neutral to turned on again together.

Deborah suggests you “break the bubble,” or change the homeostatis in your relationship to reestablish communication at a more integrated level. Start TALKING about what’s preventing desire. Ultimately, vulnerable communication brings intimacy. That’s why one of the Four Keys to Seduction that Dr. Patti Taylor talks about in Revive Her Drive is “Vulnerability.”

One exercise Dossie recommends is “Yes – No – Maybe: If The Conditions Are Right.” To play this game with your lover, get together and make a list of all the sexual and sensual acts you can think of and put them in one of three columns.

Listing ideas and seeing what’s in your Yes and Maybe columns (always with the caveat, “IF the conditions are right.”) can increase your potential for desire.

Let me know if you found this helpful by commenting below.

Photos from the Workshop

(Deborah Anapol’s website is Love Without Limits)

Deborah Anapol with Ganesh, Remover of All Obstacles

Deborah Anapol and Susan Bratton

Reclaiming Desire Workshop January 2012

Reclaiming Desire Workshop

There’s Always More
I’ll be interviewing Deborah Anapol for Month 5 of the Mastery Interviews for Revive Her Drive customers. Some of the questions I’m considering are:

Once we’ve handled the unfelt emotions that are holding us back from feeling our desire, what are some of the ways we can generate more desire? What are specific ideas for what you call, “non-demand pleasuring?” (Tango, research dates, breath, fantasy, etc.)

What skills and possibilities can monogamous couples apply from successful polyamorous relationships?

Is there a way that a monogamous couple who is no longer sexually active open their relationship to outside lovers such that everyone feels emotionally comfortable? For example, say a wife no longer wants to be sexually active and a husband still does. Is there a way to leverage the tenets of poly relating to open the relationship for him and still have her feel great?

What are the 7 Natural Laws of Love that most couples in America today are not practicing, usually just because they are unaware of them? Where is the chasm? What are the three simple things anyone in relationship can do to add more love to their situation?

How can a person consciously “live in love” yet rationalize the pesky issues of being human when jealousy, anger, pettiness arise?

What are some of the most common and successful models of polyamory you see working well and why do you recommend these as composite models?

What are the skills and characteristics that make a successful poly relationship?

Describe compersion and the value of understanding one’s jealousy as an opportunity for further self-growth?

If there’s something you’d like me to query Deborah about, please write it in the comments section below.

With love,
Susan Bratton

12 Comments

  1. My question would be: What do you do when you are dealing with a wife who appears inherently non-sensual?

    I’ve been married for 20 years and have been working with RHD real hard for the past month and just starting SHT, but I’m beginning to feel lost. There is no dynamic of back-and-forth ‘”play” in our relationship…and there never really has been. We got married in our early twenties and both of us had very little sexual experience. But even if I look back to our dating (4 years prior to marriage) there was rarely no play in our relationship.

    My wife has a very “sensible” demeanor that permeates everything she does. She’s very analytical (she’s an engineer by profession) and manufactures tasks for herself that fill a list longer than can be completed in a day. She never stops working on this mental list and never has time for sensuality or play. It’s a characteristic that even our kids have noticed and mentioned (both younger than 9)…”mommy is always serious”. Her key concern is with getting tasks accomplished more than anything else in her life. It’s a trait she shares with her mother…each time we visit I realize that my wife is becoming her mother more and more each year.

    I took her to a spa on a vacation day for us where both kids were in school, and we had an aromatherapy bath, massage, and body scrub. She said she couldn’t relax.

    We watched Jaiya’s Red Hot Touch erotic massage video…she said it was pretty dull.

    I had her listen to a couple of the Seduction Summit tracks that I thoguht had info she would find interesting (like Sherri’s discussion). She said she didn’t really find any information she could use there.

    I’ve bought books on sensuality and sexuality, sex toys, and tried to get her to get in touch with her body, but she isn’t and has not ever been interested in these types of things and doesn’t even pick them up to look. She’d much rather bake cookies, garden, or go shopping.

    What do you do when you need something MORE than “Revive Her Drive” and instead you need “CREATE her Drive”?

    • My question would be: What do you do when you are dealing with a wife who appears inherently non-sensual?

      Dear Steamy Hot,
      Thank you for asking for more help. I know a lot of men wonder if their wife is simply not a sensual or sexual being and if consequently, they may be wasting their energy and setting themselves up for a let down when she doesn’t respond as they hoped.
      I am here to assure you, that in all but the most unique cases, of which you are likely NOT included, a woman may have some historical trauma (abuse, religious or severe cultural shame being the most common) that renders her non-sexual or”asensual” without a significant amount of psycho-therapeutic intervention.

      For the typical woman, shut off from her own desire, not “in her body,” not feeling sensual, not interested in initiating nor in consummating sexual union, it’s often merely a case of reconnecting her to her sensual self in ways that dovetail her personality as you’ll see in my response below.
      The very first thing you must do to turn tide on this destructive decline into numbness is to believe, with all your heart, that your woman IS a sensual, sexual creature.
      If you have to, start a daily mantra…
      Say, “My wife is a sensual being.”
      Or
      “My wife IS a sexual being.”
      Say it to yourself each time you doubt her potential, Just push the negative thoughts out of your mind and get back to the business (pleasure, really!) of leading your woman into her sensual awakening.

      If you have to suspend disbelief and just act AS IF… What ever you have to do, believe this. Because she is. She is a human. She is a community pack animal. She wants to love and be loved. She started her life as a sweet girl with dreams of romantic adventure and deep passion. 

Steamy Hot, it is your job to reconnect her with those desires. And the first step is to know that she wants love, affection, attention, romance, sensual experiences, passion and erotic pleasure.

      You have to slowly, surely and with a heart full of love and laughter, blow up the negative programming her mother plowed into her and bring her back to that romantic teen age girl who feel in love with both who you are and the potential of the romance she hoped and dreamed for.

      Now, read below and I’ll give you some ideas of what to do to get this bridge built back to her human right to love, sex and intimacy…

      My question would be: What do you do when you are dealing with a wife who appears inherently non-sensual?

      Remember the steps and the order of those steps. First romance her heart and mind. Then add in the senses and sensual romance strategies which bring sensual pleasure into both your lives every single day. Then and only then, when you are getting responses from romance and sensual pleasure, add in seduction.

      For romance and sensuality ideas, use the 10 Stealth Turn Around Tricks and the other 20 romance ideas (personalize them!) in the Fast Path Guide from Revive Her Drive first.

      Listen to Adam Gilad’s “Erotic Communication” module within Revive Her Drive next and implement some of these practices. If you stumble, just laugh it off. Just tell her you’re trying something new and kiss her.

      I’ve been married for 20 years and have been working with Revive Her Drive real hard for the past month and just starting Seduce Her Tonight, but I’m beginning to feel lost.

      Steamy, are you pressing too hard right out of the gate here? Are you trying to seduce her before you romance her and open her up to adding in sensual pleasure?

      There is no dynamic of back-and-forth ‘”play” in our relationship…and there never really has been.

      Then “teach” her how to play, darling. What kind of responses would you most like her to give you? What does “play” mean to you? Can you get very specific about that and tell her what you’d like?

      What extracurricular activities do you both share? Can you play tennis? Can you bake cookies together if that’s what she likes? Can you read her poetry while she gardens?



      Also, remember that many women believe that if she gives her guy affection, he’ll want to escalate to sex. So she won’t touch him.

      You may be delighted if she simply sits on your lap in your easy chair after dinner and nuzzles you.

      Or lets you hold her in your arms while you’re watching TV.

      Or let you dry her off after she steps from the shower…

      What is it YOU want for playful interaction?

      Give her clear instruction and make them small offers, things she can do easily. Don’t expect her to guess. And if she does one of your requests to you, make a big deal, reward her positively.

      You know how nice it is when you get very explicit instructions from your woman about what brings her pleasure, right? “Can you stroke my arm with light finger pads from here to here, please Honey?” Makes you feel good to know exactly what to do, yeh?

      And tell her what would bring you pleasure and let her know that you are always interested in getting similar feedback from her about what would please her. And in the absence of her feedback, you are just going to experiment and try lots of things to see what she might like. And you promise not to take it personally if you try something and it doesn’t “do it for her.”

      Keep these non-sexual. Make them romantic and sensual only. And never move from a romantic or sensual offer into sex or you will lose her trust.

      I can tell you, women LOVE variety, even women who are shut down and really have no idea what would please them. Desire relies on safety and risk in combination to grow. Another way to think about risk is to call it variety or novelty.

      One day buy her an ice cream cone and tell her how beautiful she is to you.

      The next day, play a song you think she’d like and get her feedback and really listen to her.

      The following day, bring home some delicious smelling soap and ask her if she’d like to take a bath with you.

      We got married in our early twenties and both of us had very little sexual experience. But even if I look back to our dating (4 years prior to marriage) there was rarely no play in our relationship.

      Steamy, you have many years of habit to unwind… Take a deep breath and delight in baby steps of progress. And remember too, that this is a process in which you will take steps backward as well as forward, but ultimately you are moving forward.

      My wife has a very “sensible” demeanor that permeates everything she does. She’s very analytical (she’s an engineer by profession) and manufactures tasks for herself that fill a list longer than can be completed in a day. She never stops working on this mental list and never has time for sensuality or play. It’s a characteristic that even our kids have noticed and mentioned (both younger than 9)…”mommy is always serious”. Her key concern is with getting tasks accomplished more than anything else in her life. It’s a trait she shares with her mother…each time we visit I realize that my wife is becoming her mother more and more each year.

      Work WITH the way she operates. If she likes lists, get yourself on her list! Give her a piece of paper that says:

      TO DO LIST
      Hug Steamy
      Kiss Steamy
      Snuggle Steamy
      Let Steamy tell me how beautiful I am to him.
      Go out to dinner with Steamy and enjoy myself in the moment.

      Appeal to your wife’s rational, analytical mind too. Email her articles about how having great sex keeps a woman vibrant and healthy, how good intimacy is for couples, the value of laughter…

      Based on your description of her, she’s in her head, not in her body. You are going to have to work very hard to get her seeing beauty, smelling delicious smells, hearing beautiful sounds (music, your compliments, your moans of pleasure during lovemaking) and feeling your touch.

      Try a Sandbox Date where you simply play with touch. The Sheri Winston module, “Maps to Buried Pleasure” in Revive Her Drive covers the 5 kinds of touch. Perhaps you can tickle her with feathers and come up with some fun ideas to get her feeling touch again.

      Remember today how important Steamy is to me, how much I love him and how happy it makes him when I put my attention and affection on him.

      I took her to a spa on a vacation day for us where both kids were in school, and we had an aromatherapy bath, massage, and body scrub. She said she couldn’t relax.

      Find out what was on her mind and why she couldn’t let go. Probe. Ask questions. Get UNDERNEATH what she’s saying. Don’t be afraid to ask for clarity so you can begin to remove the obstacles to her relaxation.

      Part of injecting Masculine/Feminine Polarity into your relationship includes you helping her handle her problems. It’s a PROBLEM that she can’t relax while getting those delicious spa treatments. Find out what’s going on in her mind.

      We watched Jaiya’s Red Hot Touch erotic massage video…she said it was pretty dull.
      I had her listen to a couple of the Seduction Summit tracks that I thought had info she would find interesting (like Sherri’s discussion). She said she didn’t really find any information she could use there.
      I’ve bought books on sensuality and sexuality, sex toys, and tried to get her to get in touch with her body, but she isn’t and has not ever been interested in these types of things and doesn’t even pick them up to look. She’d much rather bake cookies, garden, or go shopping.

      Steamy, you are putting the cart before the horse here. She’s not turned on, so showing her erotic video or asking her to read sex books or play with adult toys is so far out of her scope of interest that you are actually driving her further away from what you want.

      Secondly, and don’t start crying here Steamy because I want you to know that you are one of a small percentage of men willing to take control and learn how to turn your wife on. Most men just masturbate in misery or have affairs, instead of applying their energy to making changes and doing the hard work it takes to reverse years of family programming and not-knowing… but by showing her the Seduction Summit tracks and such you are actually DIS-EMPOWERING yourself, reducing your Masculine Polarity. This is information for YOU to know. Your wife doesn’t need to know about The Four Elements of Revival. She simply needs to be sweet talked, touched and stroked into her sensual self.

      You do the learning and lead her. She’s not equal to you in this process. You are taking charge. Romance her. Awaken her sensually. Seduce her. Lead her. Don’t enroll her in your process. It deflates the value, the variety and the excitement you want her to feel. It emasculates you.

      Your fun job is to bring pleasure, talk to her about your desires, ask her specifically for what you want, help her discover what would bring her pleasure.

      What do you do when you need something MORE than “Revive Her Drive” and instead you need “CREATE her Drive”?

      Steamy, there isn’t MORE. You have everything and more you already need right now and it’s all inside you. Her drive is in there. Take her back to her hopes and dreams about having a sexy, passionate marriage.

      The Four Elements of Revival could have also been called The Four Elements of Seduction.
      Polarity, Overcoming Resistance, Sensual Seduction and Sexual Mastery

      It’s the same. First, get centered in yourself for this process and OWN IT. That will increase your Masculine Feminine Polarity, as will having her sit in your lap, feeding her yummy things, telling her she’s pretty. Go back to when you were dating. What was fun then? She’s still likely very adolescent in her approach to sex. And necking, petting, feeling her up… once you’ve romanced and aroused her senses, are the sweet things that will get her sexy feelings going.

      Overcome her resistances. Why can’t she relax. How do you get on her To Do List? What are her beliefs around sex? Is what she’s doing what she’d CHOOSE to do if she had her druthers?

      Sensual Seduction. Romance, then senses, then seduction. Stair step her. Or think about it as the slippery slope. You are driving for response too hard and too quickly and too sexually.

      She’s still in Kindergarten and you are showing her College-Level concepts.

      Advanced Sexual Mastery. She’s likely going to have to learn how to be multi-orgasmic. You’re not there yet, but when she’s ready, try the 21 Erotic Play Dates in Expand Her Orgasm Tonight. That will put her in an orgasmic state where she can come and come for a half hour or longer with practice. You two can begin together as beginners. That levels the playing field so she doesn’t have performance issues with you expecting her to be or act a certain way during sex.

      Neither of you will know how to have Expanded Orgasms. So you can both relax and screw up a lot and laugh together at yourselves.

      Hope this helps.

      Keep on keeping on, Steamy. We are ALL here, behind you and your bride, wanting you to have all the pleasure you deserve.
      Love,

      Susan

      • Hello, I’ve read this mans concerns about his wife and Susans advise. I am a guy but I can really relate to where your wife might be. She could be very depressed and depression takes away feelings of pleasure and happiness, I’ve have been there many times. Also She is having a hard time relaxing; depression and anxiety go hand in hand. Now I’m not going to recommend an antidepressant because those take away sexual desire too, but counciling may help! Find out why she is so unhappy, get her to open up about her feelings and tell her that she can tell him anything, even if it is about him and he won’t be hurt. If it is about him, he offers to work with her to solve the problem. If I am right; her making long lists of things to do is probably a way to distract her mind and unhappy feelings and thoughts, I have done this too. I am not trained in counciling or psychology so take what I have to say as my own personal experience. You said She is always in her head and that cuts off everyone else around her and she will not notice the beauty around her, I do that too when I’m depressed. She could try mindfulness practice which gets a person to really feel again, but I think she first has to address her depression. She is an engineer and is analytical, thoses traits are opposites of senuality and sexuality, they require a person to be comfortable and relaxed and listen to their feelings. I hope this is helpful.

        Shaun

  2. Hi Susan,

    First, let me thank you for taking the time to type up such a detailed comment. I know it took a lot of time to go through what I wrote and provide such thoughtful commentary and critique. (And critique is good! ….there’s nothing wrong with smacking a guy when he’s heading off in the wrong direction!! 🙂

    I think you’ve helped clarify a number of points from the program that didn’t come across to me in going through the program materials.

    For example, I’m reading now that you see a marked distinction between romance/sensuality and sexuality (or at least in the context of a woman who is not in touch with her body’s needs). And I can see that distinction now. But when I look at them within my own mind and body, I see them as two sides of a ball….seamlessly blending from one into the other, with no clear demarcation between them. So, when you ask:

    …are you pressing too hard right out of the gate here? Are you trying to seduce her before you romance her and open her up to adding in sensual pleasure? … … And never move from a romantic or sensual offer into sex or you will lose her trust.

    I have to say, “Guilty as charged”…..I’ll have to work on that. Good call, Susan!

    Another example is
    …Also, remember that many women believe that if she gives her guy affection, he’ll want to escalate to sex. So she won’t touch him.

    I hadn’t really realized this or thought of this. A good point to consider. It makes sense based on the overall themes you’ve discussed, but it’s a point I completely missed.

    A third example was when you said:
    …Work WITH the way she operates. If she likes lists, get yourself on her list!

    You’ve clearly stated something that should have been obvious and clear for me to see, but that never really came to my mind to do. An excellent suggestion and observation!

    If you’ll indulge me, let me wax philosophical a bit here:
    I’m a very introspective person and I strongly value “self analysis/assessment” of one’s thoughts, feelings, ideas, reactions, and impulses (i.e. always asking “why” to yourself and really digging deep into your behavior and thoughts). The result is that it breaks up mental blocks and helps you understand your core motivations and desires and then goes farther to allow you to accept yourself and your thoughts without negative judgement. I think this is a good thing and makes you a better person throughout your life. This introspection allows you to grow by always questioning your own assumptions and replacing them when they no longer serve you.

    A difficulty though is that I tend to assume that others (i.e. my wife) do that same type of deep self-introspection, but I find that this is not often the case. I have a vision for where I’d like my wife to be–somebody who can partner with me with curiosity and interest in exploring her thoughts and desires (I’m not referring to this as specifically sexual, just in a general sense.) I can understand that this is difficult, because you have to poke at the uncomfortable places in your mind and really pull them apart to see what’s inside and then accept what you find.

    The problem I face (and where I had the greatest psychological resistance to your commentary) was when I ask myself, “Who am I to force my view of what’s good for another adult on that individual….i.e. my wife”. Or in other words, I feel very strongly that each individual should be free to explore or not explore their inner self. I also feel that choosing not to explore that world leaves the individual poorer for that choice….but ultimately, the choice lies with the individual.

    When I read your comments saying:
    … it is your job to reconnect her with those desires.
    … Then “teach” her how to play, darling
    ….You are going to have to work very hard to get her seeing beauty, smelling delicious smells, hearing beautiful sounds

    I feel that you’re asking me to be coercive for her own good. And maybe that is the answer, but it rubs one of my core philosophical pillars the wrong way.

    So, after all my jabbering here (which, thanks you, BTW, for allowing me to vent and philosophize a bit here…it helps me explore my thoughts to write this out), I really have only one question. You suggested for me to:

    …Appeal to your wife’s rational, analytical mind too. Email her articles about how having great sex keeps a woman vibrant and healthy, how good intimacy is for couples, the value of laughter…

    I would love to be able to put some interesting podcasts in her car! Do you have any suggestions for what might be appropriate to help get a woman back into her body? As you pointed out with the RHD content, the bulk of it is not geared towards the woman.

    Thank you again for all your comments!!

  3. Hi Susan,

    I give a big, hearty “THANK YOU” for the podcast links….I’m setting up iTunes to pull things down right now and will have them in my wife’s car in time for the Monday morning commute (she has a one-hour commute each way, so lots of time to listen!!).

    Thanks for being so open to receiving and giving feedback. It’s good to be able to run the gamut of asking questions, venting, problem solving, and sharing. I can tend to run on-and-on when I open up my mental spillways, so feel free to smack me if I’m not adding anything.

    I figure some of my comments may also ring true with some of your other readers out there, so why not put it out on the forum for others to read too (and if you think there is a better area than attached to blog comments, please let me know…I know there is the members forum, but the posting traffic seems to be low, so this seems like it would be a more widely read location).

    A couple of things I was thinking:
    It’s much easier to maintain polarity with a woman when she’s not married to you. What I mean is: some time after we were married, I definitely gave up the “leadership” role. My thought was that marriage is a partnership and partners have equal responsibility in decision making. I remember many times where my wife would ask my opinion about something that would affect just her, and I’d tell her that it was her choice and so she should make the decision. I can see how that would quickly dissolve any polarity in the relationship.

    My way of looking at re-instituting polarity is to think back to how I behaved back when I met my wife back in college. Thinking back to that “confident dating-and-meeting-new-people behavior” and making that part of my life now is actually quite easy to do. The funny thing is, it’s had a big effect….but not where I was expecting. In order to maintain authentic polarity (i.e. something that is “me” and not artificial), that part of my personality has to be energized throughout the day…you can’t just switch it on and off at will. In just the past few weeks, I’ve been hit on by a woman half my age, and I’ve had some female waitstaff at restaurants bring me free stuff! I have to admit I’m shocked to see this work so tangibly and I can see definite feedback that I’m changing my behavior…but the impart on my wife is at a far slower rate…and that can be frustrating to me.

    Another thing I was thinking is that in my case, we dated for 4 years before getting married. So, according to your thoughts on Love Chemicals, we were already past the decline point by the time we got married. I think that matches what I saw, as our first time having sex after being married wasn’t until a couple days after the ceremony (wife was just “too tired”). Additionally, we really hit the point where I realized there were of the “low-sex-drive” problems just a couple years later and I’ve been toughing out since then…now fast forward nearly twenty years and here we are today, with the same problems as then, but entrenched in 20 years of ingrained behavior. (hence, an answer to the reason of the above-mentioned slow rate of impart the new polarity has on my wife).

    Finally, one last comment. Back a couple posts, you said something that really resonated with me:
    > She’s still in Kindergarten and you are showing her College-Level concepts.

    You really nailed how I feel a lot in my relationship. When my wife and I met, we were in the same classes, taking the same subject and point we were in our lives was in sync. My wife focused on exclusively walking down the path of ” I want to have 2.5 kids, a house, and a job”. And while I joined her on that path, my desire to continue learning has taken my to a place where I am so far away from where she is that I don’t see a clear path to bridge that gap. I seek to challenge myself and find the uncomfortable points in myself and poke them with a stick and stir them around. My wife avoids the uncomfortable stuff as best she can.

    For example, the stereotypical male view of female psychology is that women are always wanting to talk about the “relationship”. But you know what? In 20 years, *I* am the one who has always prompted the relationship discussions. And even then it’s more of a one way discussion where I try to discuss what’s going on and she sits there teary-eyed not saying much, if anything. So, it can be tough if I want to talk to her about a deep topic (other than kids and shopping, which seems to be were 110% of her energy is often focused)

    Ok, I’ll shut up now! 🙂
    Thanks!!

  4. And apparently I can’t spell “impact” to save my life…..it came out as “impart” twice in the above discussion. Oh, well! 😛

  5. Susan,

    Thank you so much for you and “steamy” sharing this with us. If anyone has any hesitation buying your programs for fear of being left on their own after they get the program, let this show how wrong they would be. You truly DO want us to succeed with our current partner, not just give up or suffer in silence.

    I think the best advise I took from this discussion was to slow down and “Remember the steps and the order of those steps. First romance her heart and mind. Then add in the senses and sensual romance strategies which bring sensual pleasure into both your lives every single day. Then and only then, when you are getting responses from romance and sensual pleasure, add in seduction.” I think too often as men we just want to fix things and then be done but this is a process that will take time (the rest of our lives) to fully develop. Especially if we “have many years of habit to unwind…” We need to remember to “Take a deep breath and delight in baby steps of progress. And remember too, that this is a process in which you will take steps backward as well as forward, but ultimately you are moving forward.” I KNOW this can be frustrating (believe me I do) but I think by encouraging each other in the process, it helps to dissipate some of the anger and frustration that we sometimes feel, which is what got us here in the first place. Thank you Susan for creating the environment for us to do so! I needed to hear all this as much as “steamy” did. Especially “If you romance her to warm her heart, if you bring her sensual pleasure… that is not coercion, darling. That is your divine masculine energy, your vision, leadership, love, respect for the goddess, joy, delight, human connection. Bring it to her. Open your little flower with the warmth of your love and your lust for her.” Also being married for over 20 years, I now recognize the classic “nice guy” trap of not wanting to manipulate your partner. I understand now it is NOT manipulation to have a vision for where you want your relationship to go, they are still free to not follow your vision if they choose, but it is certainly better than no vision at all which just leads to frustration because they don’t know what you want. Thanks again for the great discussion (and the podcasts!) You certainly go above and beyond! Please keep us posted on your progress “steamy”, it is encouraging to hear from others on the same path.

    Did I happen to say Thank You?!

    • Thanks, Tom. I am glad the “Steamy” conversation had positive impact on you too.
      These comments make not just my day, but make my LIFE, because they tell me I am helping men and the women they love have more intimacy and pleasure, which is Tim and my MISSION.
      Love,
      Susan

  6. @7 tevanoff:
    After considering Susan’s words for a weekend, I’ve concluded that offering a menu of choices still does leave enough room for free conscious choice. Hence, as you stated too, she can always say, “no.”

    I’m just really out of practice with doing all the planning it takes to have the menu prepped to be pulled out at any time. The vision part doesn’t concern me much…I have an overabundance of imagination! >:->

    But I am used to asking my wife, “how about…this?” and then when she says no, just leaving it at that. The idea of leading her gradually from A to B to C on onward is new to me. My offers usually jump from A to Q….practice and patience…working on that.

    (and also updating my displayed moniker to adopt my appellation)

  7. Ditto, That’s why we’re here right?

  8. Three years after this post started and it’s still relevant! I didn’t marry the engineer; I married the doctor but same type personality. I marvel at how focused she is and how much she gets done. “Play time” is always last and often gets dropped due to no time or too tired. That’s changing post RHD. I can’t emphasize enough the patience aspect to this. Baby steps. The other key point in RHD that could also be overlooked that struck home with me was the anger factor. I am angry but then I realize that a) anger is almost always a reflection of something going on in me, not her and b) I have to be the emotional rock (polarity). I actually caught myself telling her she was acting like a hurt child. Well, duh! (It was always right there in front of me!)

    Anyway, thanks for the long explanations and back and forth from both of you. Helped me a lot.

    BTW, the podcast links seem to be broken. I hope that’s a temporary situation.

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