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“Soulful Communication Is The Path To Perpetual Passion”

“Soulful Communication Is The Path To Perpetual Passion”

We all want more passion in our love life, don’t we?

The general tendency of relationships is to get hum-drum over time… what if I told you I have the secret to a perpetually passionate love life?

What if I could tell you how to have the intimacy and excitement of your love & sex life continue to *increase* over time?

You’d want that, right?

But, there is a catch.

Like most things worth having, this one will require some attention and initial “creative discomfort”… exercising new muscles and growing new capacities… But after getting over the initial hump at the beginning of the learning curve, your relationship and your life will be so much richer that you’ll wonder why you ever did things your old way and you’ll have no desire to go back…

We don’t have the passion we *want* to experience because we spend so much time *hiding* the ones
we *don’t* want to experience…

Seems understandable, but emotions are a package deal, so you can’t stuff *some* of them without
accidentally stuffing *all* of them…

Not only that, but in order to hide the truth about yourself, you have to put on a mask, a performance,
a false front…

By doing this, you automatically disqualify yourself from ever feeling truly loved…

Because even if you seem to receive love, you know, secretly, that what’s being loved is your performance!

“If you really knew me, then…”

How do we hide?

We pretend.

What kinda things do we hide/pretend?

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We don’t pretend like children, who are all in agreement it’s “pretend” and when it’s over, kids go back to being themselves.

Our grown up pretending ain’t no fun.

Why do we hide?

Fear.

What are we really afraid of?

Being judged, making someone angry, being thought ignorant, feeling shame…

Yes.

and…

There is another cause…
A fear that lies beneath all these others…
A fear that we’re not even conscious of…
but one that leads us around by the nose…

drumroll…

pregnant silence…

We’re afraid of sensations.

Specifically, too many of the specific kinds of the sensations we don’t like.

We hide in order to avoid the experience of too many of the of the sensations we don’t like.

Evolutionary heritage—> pursue pleasure, avoid pain.

But this strategy can backfire on us, so that the way we try to pursue pleasure and avoid pain actually
create pains & decreases our pleasure!

Such is the case with the hiding & pretending strategy.

What’s the answer?

To learn to, consciously and willingly, move toward experiences that we know may entail some
anxiety and discomfort for us… increasing our capacity to digest & metabolize uncomfortable sensations… until
They don’t scare us anymore…
and then they go away!

Taber recommends becoming what he calls a “connoisseur of pain”…

Taber Shadburne * 510-655-5000 * taber@churchofsoul.org

Not all pains are created equal and he suggest learning to be a discriminating consumer of pain… learning which kinds of pain to interpret as a sign to cease & desist, to get away from the trigger of the pain in question… and which kinds of pain to intentionally, consciously move *toward*…

… For instance, say you’re doing yoga… you twist your knee the wrong way & get a sudden, stabbing pain in your joint… that is your body’s way of saying “STOP THAT RIGHT NOW, DUMMY!”…. on the other hand, you go into a long, deep hamstring stretch… you feel a kind of ache in your leg… but you gently ride the edge of it, knowing that this is a *creative* pain… that if you consciously choose to lean into it, good will come of it & you’ll be glad you did…

… Some pain/discomfort alerts you to the presence of something truly dangerous, hurtful, or toxic to you… other pain can inform you about a habitual mistake you are making, a way in which you *create* suffering for yourself… it provides an opportunity to learn, to heal, to grow… one who knows which is which, and acts accordingly, is what i call “connoisseur of pain”…

* * *

A connoisseur of pain is willing to tell the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable, because he knows,
from experience, that it is so totally worth it…

But you must learn HOW to tell the truth…

In this interview you’ll learn:

  • The difference between noticing & thinking,
  • Reality & make-believe,
  • description & interpretation

According to Taber, who has been counseling couples and doing marriage therapy for 20+ years, the major cause of 99.7% of all unproductively conflictual conversation between couples…

drumroll…

Arguing over who’s interpretation of reality is the RIGHT one!

Instead: DESCRIBING what is so…

FEELING your way through…

only *after* feeling your way through…

Making agreements…

….

AND, this is a major life-style change that takes time & commitment…

Study & practice…

Below are some additional resources for helping you begin to tell the truth, even just to each other in the safe container of your relationship.

ABOUT TABER SHADBURNE

Taber Shadburne helps people transform their lives.

This journey of life and learning to love is a grand adventure, is it not?
Sometimes a little daunting, sometimes a little lonesome…

Taber teaches the art of Soulful Communication,
the art of creating connection.

You’ll learn a new way of noticing, a new way of speaking and listening, an interpersonal, spiritual artform, with which you can begin creating beautiful results in your life…

* Heal old relationship pain, with full-body forgiveness…

* Let go of shame, fear, attachment to approval…

* Openheartedly share yourself and support others to do so…

* Be completely and compassionately honest…

* Go beyond blame & use conflict creatively…

* Ask for everything you really want — expand your ability to give & receive…

* Create deeper love, connection & intimacy.

For more than twenty years, Taber has been supporting individuals and couples, face-to-face or by phone in marriage counseling, couples counseling, pre-marriage counseling, and counseling for depression, grief, and anxiety.

He’s been studying comparative mysticism, Buddhism, psychology, and conscious communication since the early ’80’s, and teaching and counseling since 1990.

He’s completed two years in residence at Dharma Rain Zen Center,
dozens of silent meditation retreats,
an M.A. in Counseling Psychology,
training as a Community-Building facilitator by M. Scott Peck’s F.C.E.,
certification as a Radical Honesty Master Trainer and extensive work with Brad Blanton,
and many professional trainings.

He’s led “One World Worship” services for the Radical Spirit community.

He was recently published in “The Heart Of Healing: Inspired Ideas, Wisdom And Comfort From Today’s Leading Voices”.

He’s the founder of the Church of Soul, a progressive spiritual community center for transformation, celebration & service here in Oakland, CA, and is currently working on another book and his second CD of music as he is also a singer and song writer.

“I can help you get to really know
and love your own insides…
the light… and the dark…
and to open your heart,
share yourself with others,
& create deep, soulful connection…” — Taber

“Taber’s a brilliant facilitator. Working with him has enriched & deepened the love in all of my relationships. He’s been a guiding light through the shadow side.”
– Josh Brockmann, Sales & Marketing, Financial Circles

“I have experienced many excellent workshop leaders, and Taber is among the best. I loved how clearly he explained and demonstrated deep spiritual and psychological principles in his teaching.”
– Susan Campbell, Ph.D. psychologist, speaker, workshop leader, author of Getting Real, The Couples Journey and other titles

“In a world of carefully manicured spiritual teachers, Taber is refreshingly real and human. He brings a depth of presence to each moment, standing with others in their vulnerability, beckoning us to embrace still more of our being. I have seen him ride the waves of fierce storms without shrinking. He has touched me in my most vulnerable places and helped mediate relationship challenges. His empath radar dissolves the illusions in which we wrap ourselves, thus enabling him to lead groups into much more intimate zones. I am grateful to have Taber as a friend and a comrade in the quest for authentic realization. I wholeheartedly recommend working with him”
– Stephen Dinan, author of Radical Spirit: Spiritual Writings from the Voices of Tomorrow

” Taber is uniquely gifted . He has an honest, and compassionate way of communicating–with friends, clients, and workshop participants alike. Words can’t express how strongly I recommend his work. Because he has spent decades cultivating a compassionate understanding of himself and other people, he brings to any interaction an almost uncanny ability to read minds, hearts, feelings–and to support people in expressing themselves authentically, clearing all kinds of misunderstanding. People discover their own hidden treasures of warmth, passion, and forgiveness; all this while speaking vulnerably and openly himself. To connect with Taber is to experience yourself more fully and deeply. I think he’s one of the best therapist-communication guru-shaman-types on this planet.”
– Grace Llewellyn, author of the Teenage Liberation Handbook, and Guerilla Learning, and Director of Not Back to School Camp.

“Taber skillfully guided even the most resistant among us to a place of openness and healing…Most of all I was left with a strong conviction that I don’t have to keep on waiting for my life to turn out one way or another…that it’s wonderful the way it is right NOW.”
– Joe Tavormina, Director of Real Estate with Prandium Inc

“Taber’s teaching style reminds me of a nature guide. He comfortably walks you along unmapped paths through new territory and encourages you to explore. He gives you room, yet brings all his wisdom and sincerity to bear. He really wants to know his participants, and there always seem to be after-workshop conversations which create a wonderful community among the participants themselves.”
– Danielle LaVigna, Associate Director, Next Generation (youth empowerment organization).

RESOURCES

There is no returning to bullshit, self-lies, the facade you are faking once you invoke mutual truth-telling. And there is a formula for getting started in this interview with Taber Shadburne, the world’s leading expert in relationship honesty.

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Susan Bratton

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