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21 Questions: Understanding Your Partner’s Sexual Needs (Activity)

Free Provocative “Couples Exercise” Inside

When you deepen your understanding, you deepen your love.

My friend has delightfully allowed me to share a chapter of her wonderful new book, “The Intimacy Adventure Playbook: 33 PROVOCATIVE EXPLORATIONS for a DEEPER, HOTTER LOVE-CONNECTION.”

Scroll down to view the 21 questions you can share with your partner to discover more sensual pleasure together.

Even if you know your partner well, there are probably some juicy facets of their being you have yet to encounter. This card offers you an opportunity to share about yourselves through insightful reflection and meaningful conversation. Use it as an enlightening pathway to discovering more about each other.

Create Sacred Space

Begin by choosing one of the three sections below.

Take turns asking your partner their answer to each of the questions in the group you have chosen. If you find you are not clear about any of their answers, or you would simply enjoy hearing more details, this is a great time to ask! Be curious and listen with your heart.

Be authentic and resist any urges to self-edit. When you have each shared your answers to all seven questions, do a check-in using the Insights and Reflections section for this card.


  • What is one of your favorite sexual memories of us?
  • What do you admire about me?
  • What is dormant in you right now that you would like to activate?
  • How could we nurture each other better?
  • What ideas are you ready to let go of?
  • When do you feel most alive?
  • What does the life you want to live look like? What steps are you taking to create that life?


  • What is your favorite part of my body?
  • What is something you have always wanted to do, but have been afraid of and why?
  • What is your number one priority in life at this moment?
  • What is something you would like to experience next time we make love?
  • In what ways could you become more present in life?
  • What sexual “hang-ups” do you have?
  • What do you need to ask for help in your life?


  • What does loyalty mean to you?
  • What do I do during sex that you really enjoy?
  • When I give to you sexually, what would help you to surrender and receive more easily?
  • How did you learn about sex? What early messages did you receive and from whom?
  • What is your prayer for the planet and humanity?
  • If you only had one year left to live, what would you want to do?
  • Who in your family influenced you the most? How do you see this play out, or show up, in our relationship?


Insights and Reflections
Is there something new you’ve just learned about your partner that you are curious to hear more about? Ask!

Is there anything you heard during this exploration that triggered you in any way? If yes, please share honestly with your partner.

Did you experience any resistance, fear, or apprehension when sharing your answers to any of these questions? If yes, which ones? Could you share why?

Which question was the most challenging for you to answer? Why?
the intimacy playbook
*Thanks to Pyasa Neko Siff for these great questions. She lives in the Andes and is a Sex and Intimacy Coach

7 Responses

  1. I have a question if I may. I dated a woman for almost two full years. The relationship was amazing in so many ways. Including the intimacy. Then one day, she did something which really offended both me and my 12 year old daughter who was very close to her. At that point I removed myself from the relationship. We did not speak at all for five solid months. On the day of her birthday bring August 29th, I reached out to her by sending a text wishing her a happy birthday and nothing more. She replied thanking me and suggested we meet soon for a coffee. After meeting within a few days time for coffee we began seeing each other again, and shortly there after began being intimate once again. Upon initially beginning to date again I had asked her whether she was involved with anyone else and she led me to believe she wasn’t. However after a few weeks time I learned that she was involved with another man. Since learning of her other man so to speak, I have detached myself from her once again. Yet she continues to text message me,invite me over to her home, etc. I have expressed exactly how I feel about everything and have made it crystal clear to her that I simply will not allow myself to be someones “option.” She is self employed in the entertainment industry and her new man is a client of hers who is both a model and actor. I’m having trouble understanding why she won’t just leave me alone and focus solely on her new relationship. Have you any advice or insight into my situation. I recently lost my grandfather and she has been sending me text messages like…”Thinking and praying for you baby xoxo” Then some nights I’ll receive a random text with nothing more than a xo. I don’t understand just what it is she’s attempting to do.

    1. I am dating a girl which reminds me of what you are experiencing. Its all about insecurity on her side. She needs recognition as much as she can get and wont cut with the past. Its frustating as she does not want to let go of her past. Good luck!

    2. William. If you have made up your mind that this woman is not good for you, then you need to establish STRONG personal boundaries. Block her phone number, un-friend her, and sever all ties to her socially and electronically. If she stops by, have a 2 or 3 sentence statement (pre-written?) for her that is polite, but clear…that you wish her well, but you do not wish to be part of her life in any way. Keep her outside your home. Wish her a good day and then close the door on her politely. You have yourself and your daughter to take care of, and this woman has (by your words) been disrespectful to both you and your daughter. It doesnt matter why this woman wants to see and sleep with you, that is none of your business, it is HER problem. At first it may be difficult for you, confide in a trusted friend who will help hold you accountable to maintain your clean break from this woman. It will get easier with time. I recommend you also remove objects, gifts, and photos of this woman. Box them into storage at a friend’s place if you cant destroy them yet. You may be an ego boost to her, or perhaps you represent something symbolic for her, but what matters is moving on for you and your daughter. Someone who truly cares about you will respect you and you child. This woman does not. Best of luck! Be strong! Be kind! Hold your boundaries! Never communicate to her again. Be polite if you meet in public, but keep moving, make an excuse, dont talk for any reason. Go find someone who deserves you! 🙂

    3. Will, there seems to be an issue here that I have encountered as well. Some ladies will play games for some reason if they can see something of a benefit they can use men for. It does not always have to be security, I have had ladies tell me to stop looking on dating sites as they have but I find out they lied. Women are in my opinion a lot more likely to lie to men then men are to women. They at times will try to hang on to more then one guy, why? Because they can. They may need something from one partner they don’t get from the other partner? As such they don’t a;ways make a clean break from the other guy. But will stay in contact for various reasons, even just to tease and they can be very persistent. I often ask why women in their 30ties are still single? With less then 5 years in a relationship? These days ladies are not all the same as they were some 20 to 30 years ago when the Internet and sexual freedom was not as influential. Some view relationships as a choice and I found that love is missing in a lot if these ladies. I mean Love and not lust. I was married and in a relationship with i woman for a long time but she could never say the three words and mean it. Yet on other issues she tried to protect her reputation and we are apart because there were circumstances surrounding her behavior and willingness to talk. I find that very few will admit they were hit on by a man, even if you saw the event they will avoid talking about it and often lie in your face. Think what they would do if they were in bed? So many these days will keep it a secret unless caught out red handed. At time it can be innocent. However, if it is why hide it? I have learned so much from just the dating sites as so many are there to get what they are lacking in their relationship. Sometimes in an open situation but often in a hidden one. Some web sites openly promote this and I find it hard to believe, you are asked not to reveal the ladies I D or if you meet her in public approach her that is to keep it all hush. I also think that some men are more into permanent relationships and forever with one partner then the ladies are. In your case with a 12 year old daughter you need to be on guard but protecting her from the world is going to be a major task. Dating a woman who has some one else may reflect on your daughter as well if she finds out. Children are not stupid. They catch on quickly. If the woman has one other, whats to say there is not a third? She sounds like she is very sexual and experienced. Perhaps her requirements are more carnal and this at times does not end even in her 50ties.

    4. I could never be in an “open or sneaky” relationship, if 2 people love each other and have a true loving relationship with the “amazing” relation, why on earth would anyone be o.k. with that

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