Reality-Based, Conscious Safe Sex Guide
If you are having sex with anyone new to whom you are not “fluid-bonded” such as your spouse or significant other, this safe sex guide will help you navigate the increasingly complex world of SAFE SEX.
Fluid bonded means you two have regular, unprotected sex together and do not have unprotected sex with anyone else.
Below is a “manual” that my friend, JDelicious, Superstar Sex Educator of San Francisco, put together that I’ve found extremely realistic and comprehensive and wanted to share with you. It’s especially relevant if you are playing with a number of people, at one time or over time.
Caution: You may find some of this edgy. I never underestimate what people like to do sexually and appreciate how mature and realistic this information is.
Please link to this page, forward to friends and spread it via social networks when ever possible. It’s our duty as humans to protect each other from spreading diseases. Thanks.
The First Ever Safer Sex Guide for Party People!
There are so many positive consequences of a culture of group love and pleasure. Increased trust, greater intimacy, a place to explore one’s personal edges, being held with love through hard interpersonal events, pleasure beyond measure, getting to ask for what you want and being heard, deepening of friendships, developing new lovers, having a sense of tribe, doing fun things you always wanted to do with people who are willing to experiment… I could go on and on about the joys… and…
Amidst this culture lies the reality of little bacteria, viruses and protozoa that live in our bodies commingling together and moving from one person to another.
So in an effort to make our community both fun and sexy as wells as aware of or risks and as safe as we can make it, I have created this little guide for all busy lovers and sex party goers.
Here are the basics of things to think about when you are having sex with people who are not fluid bonded with you:
- Safer Sex
Here are some questions we invite you to think about:
- What do you like to do?
- What would you never do?
- What are you curious about?
- What helps you feel comfortable?
- What makes you feel safe?
- What risks are you willing to take?
- Are you prepared to face the consequences of risky behavior?
- Do you have good information about what are safer behaviors?
- What else do you have to learn to protect yourself and other?
- Do you feel able to negotiate condoms, dental dams, use of lube?
- Can you share your sexual history with ease or is it a challenge to talk about?
- What information do you need from a person before you do something sexual?
- If you find out that you have contracted an STD, can you tell your sexual partners? How will you remember who needed to be told?
- How much of your information about your sexual health do I want to share with potential partners?
- How easy would it be for you to share the answer to these questions with a member of your community or a partner?
This a a subset of boundaries and just another way to think about them. Sometime people have different limits for different partners.
The first thing is to decide on your limits. Are they concrete or situational. Do they depend on external information or are they fixed?
Next tell your partner what your limits and boundaries and why.
Understand that your partner might have a different limit than you.
Try to understand what the need is that creates the limit.
You might have to negotiate between what you and your partner want.
You never have to give up your limits but you might have to help another person understand how to meet your needs.
Starting a conversation about sexual health can be a good way to get the information you need to make a good decision about what you might want to do with a person or group of people.
Here are some questions you can ask someone to get information about sexual health:
- What should I know about you before we have sex, like are there any STI ‘s (sexually transmitted infections) I should be aware of?
- When was the last time you got tested? What were the results?
- What folks have you had sex with since then and what things do you do with them?
- Tell me about your sexual history, who do you like to have sex with?
- What kinds of safe sex boundaries do you have?
- Is there any STD that you currently have that I should know about like HPV or Herpes?
- What do you like using when you have sex? Example: I like female condoms and lube.
- If you do have Herpes, do you know if you have ever transmitted it to someone when you weren’t showing?
- Can you tell when you are about to get an outbreak?
- What would feel safe for you to do with me that wouldn’t put me at risk?
- What behaviors or stuff do you enjoy and like to do that don’t also make you worry about STI risk?
- I want you to know that I like this part of my body being touched, what parts do you especially like or dislike?
- Have you washed your hands since you touched that other person’s genitals?
Sometimes disclosing your own personal history can help break the ice and give the other person or people the chance to disclose.
Some things that folks do with each other have a greater risk of transmitting diseases or causing a pregnancy. It is good to think about the things you like to do and if they are higher or lower risk activities. There are ways to make any activity a lower risk activity.
Here are a dozen important tips for people at a party where they will have sex.
1. The skin of the mouth and genitals are high risk areas to touch another person’s mouth/genital skin. The rest of the skin is a very good barrier against STD’s.
2. The more area covered by latex or polyurethane the less risk.
3. One hand for you, one hand for me. Keep track of where your hands have been and if they have touched genitals, don’t touch others with out washing first.
4. Don’t brush your teeth 3 hours before play, it can make tiny cuts in the mouth or entrance points for STD. Use a mint or mouth wash.
5. File your nails and check hands for hangnails and open cuts by squeezing lemon on them at the beginning of the night, then washing your hands. If the lemon stings, use gloves.
6. Pee right after any genital/genital or genital/mouth contact even if you use condoms or dams. This helps reduce the risk of infection in the urethra.
7. It goes without saying, but wash between partners.
8. Use your own toys, or properly clean and sterilize gear between partners, bring enough dildos for one for each partner.
9. On me not in me. As I said above skin is a pretty impervious membrane for fluids, just don’t get fluids on or near mucous membranes. like eyes, nose, vulva, urethral opening, foreskins…
10. Use anti bacterial hand wipes for quick clean ups but don’t assume all the bacteria is gone, always wash as well. Never use anti bacterial wipes in your genital areas as they may be a bit too harsh for sensitive genital skin, instead try unscented baby wipes.
11. Masturbation with another person watching is hot and super safe.
12. Condoms, gloves, saran wrap, and dental dams are great at preventing most STDs. They keep fluids from going where you don’t want them. Barriers don’t have to slow your down or dampen the mood. Sex them up! Be Creative. Make it hot.
Don’t exchange blood or other bodily fluids and you greatly reduce your risk of HIV and several STD’s. If you have multiple partners you should get a routine STD test every three to six month to take care of things you may have caught and could be passing to others.
HIV and other blood born diseases can enter the body through small cuts, broken skin, open sores, rips or abrasions of the ass or vulva, irritated gums (such as from brushing or flossing) and the mucous membrane of the pee hole (urethra). HIV is very fragile and doesn’t live outside the body for more than a minute and cannot pass through unbroken skin.
Hepatitis C and Hepatitis B can survive on surfaces for up to 4 days and in dried blood for as long a two weeks. Get vaccinated for Hep A and B. There is no vaccine for Hep C.
Blow jobs, sucking, licking, eating out, going down, no mater what you call it oral sex is considered low risk of transmission of HIV.
Testing and Treatment
Going to get tested is kinda like going to the garage to get your oil changed every year or 3,000 miles which ever comes first.
If you are sexually active it is a good idea to get tested every 6 months, some say every 3 months, if you have a lot of partners or more risky sex. Some people get tested when they have a new partner. Getting tested can make a great date! There are some great eats and coffee near most clinics. Know that the results you get will only tell what things have had time to develop enough in your system to be measured. Some things you may have been exposed to recently might not show up in your test results. So if you have had any risky activity recently you might not have antibodies or bacteria in your body enough to detect. You can go back and get tested again in 3 months or go without sex for 10-14 days before getting tested.
If you have questions about STD’s or want to find a testing site contact:
STOP AIDS PROJECT-for gay and bi men
207 Sanchez Street
San Francisco, CA 94114
415 487 5500
1800 967 PLAN
For a clinic in your area, use a search engine and type in “STD test clinic + your city.”
What if you have a positive result?
If you find you have gotten an STI and want to tell people that you got it you can either do it personally, by phone, email or meeting them.
You can also tell people anonymously using Inspot.org. This is website that help you send a postcard by email to people you may have had contact with since your infection.
Many infections are bacteria that can be cured, in other words gone from your body for good. Some infections are viruses that once you have you will have for the rest of your life. Some virus are ones that your body can fight off and clear from your system.
If you get an STI, It is important to tell the people who might have been exposed so they can get treatment too.
Delcious’ Sex List Tip
I like to keep a running list of everyone that I have done something sexual with in my secret place. I recommend either a hard copy or a secure computer method. I keep track of dates and I also make a code of the types of activities I did with that person. This way if I ever contract an STI, I can easily go back and figure out the probable point of exposure and also figure out who I need to notify, if I have done any risky behaviors since the infection. So far I haven’t had to use this list in this way, (as I usually choose lower risk activities). The doctors seem to appreciate someone who actually can say exactly what they have been doing and with whom because it allows them to know what kinds of tests they should give you based on the behaviors you have been up to.
Blow jobs, sucking licking, eating out, going down, no matter what you call it oral sex is considered low risk of transmission of HIV.
Getting cum in your mouth increase your risk. (We don’t know much about female ejaculate and if it can carry STD’s.) If you are choosing to give a blowjob without a condom, the lowest risk is to not have them ejaculate in your mouth. If you do let someone ejaculate in your mouth, spit or swallow, don’t let it wallow. Resist the urge to brush your teeth right before and event. Dental work, any kind of sore or even a sore throat can increase your risk.
Also having an STD such as syphilis, chlamydia or gonorrhea in your throat can increase your risk of HIV through oral sex.
Gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, herpes and HPV can be spread by a simple blowjob.
Remember cold sores are a Herpes virus—and they can be given to someone in their genitals if you go down on them. For more information about Herpes see the “What about Herpes” section.
Look before you suck! If you see any sores or open skin, use a barrier. If you don’t want to ask, barriers will reduce your risk.
Licking sweat, deep French kissing, even inserting other body parts (like toes) in to your mouth is all low risk. Biting is very erotic and perfectly safe, just don’t break the skin. Be creative, have fun!
For info on rimming (licking a butthole) see Ass Play.
What about Herpes?
There are two types of Herpes, 1 and 2. It used to be that Herpes 1, the common cold sore, liked to live only in the mouth. And Herpes 2 liked to live in the genitals. But now the virus has mutated and we find 1 and 2 in both the genitals and the mouth. So if you get cold sores you can give them to people in their private parts.
How is it spread?
Herpes is a bugger because it can be spread when it is not showing. It spreads from the site of infection to the site of contact. You are less likely to spread it when you don’t have a sore, but it is still possible. The general rule of thumb is the highest risk time for spreading the virus is during an outbreak. Another high risk time is just before an outbreak. Some people notice a tingly, itching or different sensation of the skin at the site of their outbreaks, before the outbreak occurs. The virus begins shedding before the outbreak begins. Herpes is most likely to be spread from the time these first symptoms are noticed until the areas is completely healed and the skin looks normal again. Sexual contact (oral, vaginal or anal is very risky during these times.)
There is no cure for Herpes, and the first goal is supporting your immune system so that you don’t get outbreaks. People tend to get more outbreaks when they are stressed out.
Can you spread the virus without a sore showing?
Yes. This is how most people get the virus. If you see someone with a big sore on their mouth or genitals you usually don’t think, yeah I want to jump on that. Most folks got their virus from someone who didn’t know they had the virus. When someone spreads the virus when they are not showing a sore, it is called “Asymptomatic Transmission,” or more often we say they are “shedders” of the virus. Some people may have symptoms that are so mild that they don’t notice them or don’t recognize them as Herpes.
What do couples do when one partner has the virus and the other doesn’t?
Many couples have had sex for years with out spreading the virus. Some just avoid sexual contact during high risk times, like tingly sensations and outbreaks. Other use condoms and barrier to reduce their risk of transmission.
Remember 50-80% of the population has Herpes 1, so working to counter the stigma of the virus is half the battle.
For more information on Herpes check out Herpes.com.
Red Hanky and Back Door pleasures…
If you like licking ass, the good news it rimming is low risk for HIV as long as there is no blood or cum. It is still a risk for parasites and bacterial infections, but plastic wrap will lower your risk and still feels nice. Add lube between the barrier and the anus for more sensation.
When sticking something up the butt, remember the lining can tear. Never use anything sharp (This includes nails: a nicely groomed hand is so sexy.) Even small scrapes provide a route directly into your bloodstream.
Use lube, lots of lube. The ass doesn’t self lubricate like the vagina does when it is turned on. Some of the thicker lubes can help provide a bit more slipper protection.
Be patient take your time, the ass doesn’t lie and might take a while before it opens up comfortably.
Communicate with your partner about speed and feeling. Put lube on your tool of choice (cock, finger, dildo, fist, etc.) and use your finger to slide lube up inside before anything goes in. Keep in mind that once you get past the sphincter muscle rings inside your ass, there are no pain receptors: you cannot rely on pain to signal that you are being hurt.
3 Big Ass Tips for Great Ass Action:
The more relaxed a person can be the easier it is to coax the outer ring of muscles into opening. Never force anything into the ass. With deep breaths, lots of time and patience, the ass will eventually open up to accommodate things. If it hurts, stop..and breathe until the ass relaxes enough to stop spasming. Putting things in your butt shouldn’t hurt. In fact it should feel really nice once everything is relaxed. There are a lot of nerve endings in the anus which is why it feels good to take a poo as well as get fucked silly in the butt.
You can never have enough lube for ass play. Be aware that water based lube can absorb into the lining of the butt and therefore may need to be reapplied during long scenes.
Tell your partner how things feel. Let them know if they need to stop or add more lube. The penetrator can also check in and ask. “A little deeper?”. “Let me know when you want another finger?” “I’m going to stop now, is that OK?” Be honest and don’t just say what you think your partner wants to hear. Ass play doesn’t happen like it you see in pornos. You can’t just plow a dildo or penis into a butt and have it go in. Those porn folks often have had dildos in their butts off screen that makes fast access on screen look easy. Also let your partner know when your ass gets sore. Soreness can mean that you may be making tiny abrasions in the sensitive lining of the but, so it might be time to take a break. Some people prefer a female (internal) condom for ass fucking as the anal lining is less irritated because the penis is going in and out of the condom and not rubbing directly on the lining of the rectum as it does when using a male (external) condom.
If fisting, wear gloves that fit. Even a small wrinkle can be excruciating if you are fisting.
When pulling out after fisting, sometime a vacuum gets created so it requires steady strong pulling. Also hold the cuff of the glove so it doesn’t come off inside.
So people like to clean out before hand. ( There is not poo right there in the butt most of the time, the only time there is poo in the rectum is when you have that “I have to take a poo” feeling.) There may be a small amount of fecal matter left in the rectum and poo can be abrasive. So if you are going to clean out before hand, a light rinse of the rectum can be done easily with the Anal Douche or Rectal Syringe. This is a small amount of water and should be done sitting or standing upright, so the water comes right back out. If you lie on your side or get upside down the water can go further in the body and dislodge more material from the intestine, which can make things more messy rather than cleaner which was your original intention. Don’t use saline solution that comes with disposable enemas, saline will make more poo move down the shoot. It is not necessary to do a full enema unless you are planning on doing some heavy fisting. Enema and anal doucing can wash away mucous that creates a natural protection. It’s safer to clean out your ass a few hours before playing, so your ass has a chance to relax and replenish itself.
Clean Up after Ass Play
At the end of ass play, when people remove their fist, dildo or penis from their partners there may be a bit of fecal mater present, so be prepared to clean it up. Have a wash cloth or a wipe ready to cover the condom or glove. Wash up well afterwards.
STUFF TO KNOW ABOUT CONDOMS, BARRIERS AND GLOVES
What is this stuff?
Condoms come in latex and polyurethane. Internal condoms, i.e. the “female condom” can be used in an ass or a vagina. Female condoms are made of polyurethane. (Yes there are “natural” or lambskin varieties but they don’t protect against diseases.) Gloves come in latex, nitrile and a wide variety of other materials. Plastic wrap is (duh) plastic. Why does it matter? Not all lube works with all materials. A safe bet is always use water based lube, it works with everything. Latex and petroleum based lube never work, it causes condoms to break.
Super Sensitive People!
Many people are allergic to latex. Be aware that someone with a sever latex allergy doesn’t even have to touch latex to have a problem: the powder mixed with latex proteins from latex gloves can become airborne and trigger an allergic reaction. If you start to notice sensitivity to latex, it is best to minimize your contact with it. People can develop a latex allergy anytime in life, and for many the allergy can become worse over time.
Fresh is best!
Pay attention to expiration dates on your condoms and don’t store them in a pocket or a warm place. Don’t keep that open box of gloves around forever. Materials break down and can get microscopic holes long before you see a hole or a rip. When in doubt, throw it out and get some new ones.
Gloves of LOVE
They come in all sizes from XS through XL. If you don’t see your size around ask for them. Make sure they fit right. To big can be uncomfortable on the receiving end of a vagina or anus. To small and you can have your circulation and feeling cut off and they become more likely to rip.
Getting off !! (the glove that is)
When taking gloves off, the goal is not to touch any of the fluids on the glove. Take one hand and carefully pull the glove over itself, inside out, making sure that the fluids never touch an ungloved part. If both hands are gloved, pull the second off the same way, over the first, wrapping all the fluids inside both gloves. Confused by this? Go get some gloves and practice with chocolate sauce, jelly or catsup!
Dam it all!
Cunnilingus, rimming, licking the pee hole, these things require a flat barrier. You can use a dental dam which is a small square of latex or plastic wrap. Don’t use the microwave kind because it has tiny holes. You could cut an unused condom open or a glove too. You can do a neat trick with a glove with the palm cut open by cutting down the sides of the glove which then can allow for vaginal penetration with covered finger and the palm of the glove covering the vulva for clit lickin’.
Condoms work great if you know how to use them right. A drop of lube in the tip of the condom increases sensation to the head of the cock. You can try the ones that have more room in the end too like Pleasure Plus or Inspiral. Pinch the tip when you put it one to get rid of the air and to make room for the cum (ejaculate). If you are using a polyurethane condom, some people say they like to use more lube. If you cum, pull out soon after so it doesn’t come off inside someone. There are some things you just don’t want to leave behind.
The “INNIE” condom.
The Female Condom isn’t just for women.. please. You just put it in the hole that wishes to be fucked. To put it in make sure the inner ring is at the closed end of the sheath, and hold the sheath with the open end hanging down. Squeeze the inner ring with thumb and middle finger (so it becomes long and narrow), and then insert the inner ring and sheath into the vaginal/anal opening. Lube can help. Gently insert the inner ring into the vagina/anus and feel it go up. Place the index finger inside the condom and push the inner ring as far as it will go. Make sure the condom is inserted straight, and is not twisted inside.The outer ring should remain on the outside of the body.
Some recommend taking the inner ring out for ass fucking, and simply pushing the condom inside with fingers and lube or putting it on the dick for insertion.
Never use two condoms at once, and only use a condom one time.
Slippery is safer!
There are three types of lube. Water based, silicone and petroleum based. Lube helps make holes slippery. You won’t find petroleum lube at our sex parties cause they are not latex compatible. Some lubes are thick, some are more slippery.
Lube Etiquette for Sex Parties
For safest sex at a party, bring your own lube and keep track of it. If you are going to use group lube the best thing is to get a small Dixie cup of lube before you begin your encounter. That way you don’t have to touch the lube container after you start gettin’ it on. If you are going to reach for a lube container that is used by the group, use a hand that has been washed, if you can’t get up to wash your hands, use an anti-bacterial hand wipe to clean up before grapping it. If you can’t find a hand wipe as for someone to help you get some lube where you need it. Never touch the part of the bottle where the lube comes out. Just let the lube fall to your fingers, that way you don’t contaminate the container. It is nice to cover the lube containers with un-lubricated condoms at the beginning of an event. That way they can be changed easily if someone does paw the container with cum covered hands.
Petroleum based lubes eat latex for lunch, but work fine on non-latex gloves and non-latex condoms and plastic wraps. Some folks who do ass play swear by petroleum lubes. Generally you don’t want to put petroleum in a vagina because it can mess up the bacterial environment inside and create a place for infections to grow.
Silicon based lube are slippery even when wet! A little goes a long way and it doesn’t dry out our get sticky. They work with all types of condoms, dams and wraps. It is also good from lubing up the insides of skin tight latex outfits! Don’t use silicone lube with Silicone toys because it will break down the toys and make small pockets in the dildos where bacteria can hide. Silicone lube is more expensive than water based lube.
Water Based Lube
This is amazing stuff! It mimics the bodies naturally occurring lube in the vagina and like magic adds lube to the not so self lubricating ass! It can be nice for the wet sloppy blowjob too. It can dry out if it is hot or if you are going at it for a while. You can mist it and rehydrate it with a squirt bottle. (This is a tip for you desert goers!)
Some water based lube has glycerin in it, which is like a sugar and for some women it can cause a yeast infection if used in the vagina. Most water based lubricants do contain glycerin, but there are some brands that are glycerin free, including:
Sliquid brand lubricants
All of the easily available silicone based lubricants are glycerin free, including popular brands such as:
Care and cleaning of your stuff
Leather and other porous gear
A serious flogging may get blood or cum on your precious gear. A leather strap on harness should only be used once in a night unless you can do a serious cleaning in between partners. It is important to clean the equipment with a good anti bacterial agent between partners and let any porous toy sit or hang for a certain period so all the bugs will die. HIV is fragile in air, but Hepatitis C can hang out for up to two weeks in dried blood. You will have to recondition the leather periodically as washing can dry it out.
Clean for 30 seconds with hydrogen peroxide and then a wash with 10% Simple Green solution. You can also use a surgical germicide spray instead of the peroxide.
Rope that has fluid on it can be put in a pillowcase, tied shut and washed in the washing machine in the hot cycle. Then you let it dry out for a week or so. If left in the pillowcase, they can be put in the dryer. This will make your rope softer for those bottoms who can’t handle scratchy rope!
Cane, metal, plastic paddles, glass: all can be wiped down with a good anti bacterial or a 10% bleach solution. Alcohol will clean, but it doesn’t disinfect, because it evaporates too fast. Make sure you leave the solution on the surface for atleast 5 seconds to have it do its job.
Rubber and Silicone
Some dildos, like jellies, rubber and cheap plastic ones with give are porous and can’t be cleaned perfectly. Keep those for yourself and use condoms on them to help with keeping the surface clean. Silicone and good quality rubber dildos are non porous and can be boiled or run through the hot dishwasher cycle to disinfect. Toys that can be boiled can be used with multiple partners. Put condoms on everything anyway for easier clean up.
Kinky Stuff or BDSM
Some folk enjoy “kinky play” at parties. This could mean a lot of different behaviors. This guide will not go into them all but just suggest a few things. We suggest you check out some of the more specific websites that can tell you all about playing and how to do it safely.
BSDM is a catch all expression for a variety of activities including B&D (Bondage and Domination or Bondage and Disipline) D/s (Domination and Submission) and S/M (Sadomasochism.) In general, BDSM is used to refer to the consensual exchange of power and control and /or pain between two or more people.
Some types of things you might want to research include, Bondage, Discipline, Sadomasochism, Sub/dom, roleplaying, rope bondage, flogging and impact play, sensation play, Electricity play, Heat and Temperature play, Hoods, blindfolds and gags, Bloodsports, Watersports, Crossdressing, CBT, Top/Dom/Dominant/Master, bottom/sub/submissive/slave, aftercare, edgeplay, mind fuck, breath play and any other kinky thing you can think of you can now probably find a community online where you can meet others with your proclivities.
There is far to much stuff to cover in depth in this guide.
Basic Tips for Beginning Kinksters
Play at your own level. Tell someone what kind of experience you have and be honest. This way you know what you are getting into and so does the person you are playing with. Don’t say you are serious pain slut, when you have only had a few spanks on the butt.
SSC/RACK Important tenants of BDSM. “Safe, Sane and Consensual” and “Risk Aware Consensual Kink”
Use Safewords. This is a word you choose that you use when you want to stop all play. Many people use the word “Safeword” because it is not easy to forget. Others use a system of Red-mean stop, Yellow means slow down and check in, Green mean go go go.
Learn from an experienced player. Folks will happily teach you. There are many local groups you can take classes from in the Bay Area. There are also low pressure “munches” which are social gathering for BDSM folk, usually at a restaurant where you can meet people who are in the scene.
Know your limits
Decide what you don’t want to do. Also don’t play intensely when you are drunk or altered. A little nipple play while under the influence might be OK with someone who is substance challenged, but riskier to do a scene that involves restraint or impact.
For more information, emailJDelicious, Superstar Sex Educator of San Francisco – jdelicious at gmail