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Why I Love Sex Now, After 25 Years Of Not Really Enjoying It…

Why I Love Sex Now, After 25 Years Of Not Really Enjoying It…

Through my twenties and thirties to my mid-forties I liked, but didn’t LOVE having sex. Sure, there were some men who were better in bed than others, and at first it was sexy with my husband, but sadly, my interest waned with him too.

Now I know why.

And what changed.

And how come sex feels so great to me NOW and never even approached 25% of the deliciousness it does for me now before I knew this one vital thing:

It comes down to knowing the difference between arousal and engorgement.

For the sake of true clarity, I’ll define the two uniquely.

Arousal is that feeling of turn-on, of wanting to have sex. In this case, I’m trying to load the word arousal as being more brain and less body-based.

Engorgement is when

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is stimulated such that it gets engorged with blood and becomes pillowy (or stiff, in the case of a man’s erection).

Note: A woman has as much erectile tissue in her clitoris, labia, perineal and urethral sponges as a man does in his penis.

When I was younger, I’d get turned-on thinking about having sex with a guy. We’d kiss a little and perhaps have a bit of foreplay and then proceed to intercourse pretty quickly. All told, a lovemaking session might last an hour.

Now that I’ve taken many sensuality courses including the ones here at Personal Life Media, I’ve learned, with hubby, the sensual skills to enjoy long, pleasurable warm ups that get my genitals engorged well in advance of intercourse.

Sometimes we start with massage, then have an DO Date*, then have some oral sex, then finally, when everything is fluffy and engorged, we have intercourse.

And when we take the time for this engorgement, every stroke, every lick, every touch feels more sublime.

I attribute the fabulous sensations and deep satisfaction of our lovemaking to the long, slow warm ups…

The massaging and touching of inner and outer labia, the light, steady rhythm of Expanded Orgasm clitoral strokes, the teasing and stroking of my G-Area (urethral sponge) and inside my vagina, all the way along my Fourchette and perineum outside my vagina, my back, my buttocks, my breasts (not just the nipples, my entire breasts, my neck, lips, nose, ears — you know all those sweet little places she loves you to touch, lick and stroke when you are truly making love to her.

In our mid-forties, hubby and I finally slowed down, put focus on our touch and arousal and warm-up and our sex life exploded in pleasure, joy, intimacy and satisfaction.

It takes me 20 minutes just to settle, connect with hubby energetically, get into my body, start to feel that blossoming arousal. Soon my clitoris pops. (Tallulah calls it a “clit boner”) The tissue in my whole vaginal area gets puffy. And everything starts to feel exquisite.

So no matter how much I mentally want to have sex. No matter how hot, sexy or turned on I feel. No matter how “aroused” I am. It’s the ENGORGEMENT that makes the difference between sex that I even sometimes regret to sex in which we revel with pleasure and orgasmic deliciousness.

I find that quickies are just not that interesting. They always leave me wanting more feeling of pleasure. Taking that 20 minutes at least to get my tissue engorged by stroking and licking makes all the difference in my enjoyment and pleasure.

We have learned to slow down, to turn on, to fluff up first for maximum sensation and orgasmic bliss.

Try this for a month. Don’t have any intercourse until your woman is engorged. Look at her Yoni a lot during your foreplay. Watch it get fluffy. Describe it to her so she can hear and feel (get out a mirror if she’s willing) and see how her genitals look when she’s engorged.

Then have sex.

And tell me if she experiences an appreciative difference in increased pleasure.

I want to see your comments below.

*DO Date means an Expanded Orgasm clitoral stroking session that’s like an orgasmic genital massage. DO = Deliberate Orgasm. We also call it OMing – Orgasmic Meditation. Different words, same practice.


  1. Dear SLONE,I love the above article plus the beautiful picture I wish I can make love to my wife for a long time.Now I want to last longer in bed My wife is very beautiful and sexy she always complains she is not satisfied.but recently I have learnt lots things from you.Thank you and GOD BLESS.

  2. Dear Sloane,

    Its amazing, and mind shacking, really u have done great deal of job, every one has this treasure, but they are not aware of its prolonged pleasure, your article is eye opener for all who love sex in a scientific and more pleasurable way,
    Thank u so much.

  3. Sloan, I appreciate all the info, it has really educated me in the area of sexuality and female anatomy. I have been able to teach my lover to ejaculate and has been able to advance her to have multiple and full body orgasms with penis penetration for a while now, thanks to PLM. I am blind and want to know if there is a way for her to tell when she is engorged other than me feeling down there and feeling? I don’t have a problem with touching her lovely pussy at all; just an enquiring mind here! I would also would love it if you and the crew would give more advise that would make the blond say, “Oh, that’s it”!

  4. thank you dear. we have a say in Africa— when you see the clit. the sex music is played by hand and tongue and when the play ground is ready let your coke play the game

  5. yes, engorgement is the correct word and it took me nine months of foreplay to find out that I had been doing it all wrong. I gave my girlfriend an hour long massage and then I massaged her virginal area for a couple of minutes before I took her clitoris in my mouth and gently sucked it till it engorged and it felt like a balloon. She experienced a whole body orgasm that as she put it “the biggest and intense that she has ever had” which made me feel like I just conquered the sexual mountain. I intend to engage in more foreplay form now on. 🙂

  6. Oh have been reading your articles now for some time now finding I’m very ignorant to the woman’s feelings requarding sex from a man’s touch, I have been traveling since 2006,i have not found the one woman yet, have meet many but will not ingage myself with them until I know how to properly please them more than myself, thanks for the knowledgeable information you provide, i will get back to you about the progress you’ve allowed me, GOD BLESS YOU and All your associates, love hank Parson Jr.

    • The trouble with most women is that they are too damn insecure and that makes them too fearful to give a guy feedback, and so they continue for years without getting enough satisfaction to stimulate their partners to please them both.

    • Discovering and unveiling each other is part of the magic of a long term (or short term if personalities, goals, beliefs don’t really blend) relationship. Feeling, sensing, relating, sharing each other in honesty makes a relationship worth getting into even if there will be an end. It would always be nice to figure out if your with someone who tells you what they want but then again if you’re sensitive enough and reflect on the moments it may come together for the next interlude.

  7. This is great!!! Thanks.

  8. i want to read more articles about it. coz im ignorant regarding this matter.i hope to learn more.

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