Both John Gottman and John Alanis (two well-regarded relationship experts from very different disciplines) have mentioned the movie, Don Juan DeMarco, as the best example of a romantic man depicted in movies.
It’s admired by Gottman for depicting Don Juan’s true appreciation for every woman’s inherent femininity. He’s an excellent role model.
According to Gottman, the one thing that is most important to a relationship is “to know and honor your wife’s dreams.” Secondly, the relationship needs respect, a feeling of being “in this together.”
Perhaps you can rent and watch Don Juan DeMarco with your partner?
We just watched it again, with our daughter (14) and it was a sweet, familial experience.
Here is an excerpt from my conversation with John Alanis in Revive Her Drive about what happens…
Once you’re in that relationship there’s a few extra things that you have to do to keep it going because you have to understand that initial attraction fades over time. It’s one of those biological things that happen. Usually within three years that initial chemistry is gone. However, it can be replaced. There’s a pay off for it – mutual shared history, with fondness, with a live partner, somebody that you can’t get by just dating a bunch of different women. You have to understand that’s the reality that happens. When you get into a relationship there’s an immediate divergence that happens naturally between men and women. Men say, “I got her. She’s got what she wants; she’s got the ring on her finger. I’m not going to do any more of this romantic stuff.” He goes and sits on his butt and watches football, drinks beer and gets fat. She expects, “Hey, once I get into the relationship this is going to get better and better and better and he’s going to do more of the things that he did to get me.” There’s a natural divergence based on male/female expectations, and the further apart they get as time goes on the more that divergence widens and the moral conflict happens. Instead of just acknowledging this as a natural thing, they blame each other because that feeling’s not there anymore based on the behavior.
To sustain attraction what you have to understand from the male point of view is you’ve got to maintain your personal authority and you constantly have to ask yourself “How can I create the conditions for my wife or girlfriend to continue to feel what it is that she wants to feel.” Part of that is adding in a lot of variety. As men, we love routine. We can sit on our butt, we can watch football and we’re happy. We don’t need interruptions of variety. Routine, I’m fine with it. Women on the other hand, the female mind needs to be constantly stimulated. It doesn’t mean you can’t have routine. Routine is fine, but this variety needs to sit on top of that routine. You’re taking action to bring that variety in there, whether it’s variety in the bedroom, variety of experience, places you go, people you hang out with. You’re just doing different things because what a woman wants is she wants to be with a guy who you don’t know what he’s going to do next; only that it’s going to be fun and exciting. You have to keep that there.
To listen to the entire interview with John Alanis and the other 11 specialists, click below.
With Love,
Susan Bratton