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"I object that you always place the blame on the man if the woman doesn’t have great sex."

"I object that you always place the blame on the man if the woman doesn’t have great sex."

Here’s an email from Dr. J, worrying that I’m unfairly placing the blame on men for the lack of sex in their relationship.

Hi Susan,

A lot of what you write about is true. I kinda object that you always place the blame on the men if a women don’t have great sex. But you know sometimes it just could be the women for a change.

Please don’t mistake my advocacy for the “man’s side of the situation” as blaming women. I am working for the good of women, through their men, because often it’s the man’s leadership that is missing in coming to solution to the problems. Women need the support of their man, not to “go it alone because it’s a woman’s issue.” I am attempting to empower men to get more involved in being the solution. – Susan

Many women suffer from dryness and sex can be painful, therefore she does not like sex, and yes she may have hormonal problems which may give her low libido.

Hormones are often the cause of dryness, painful sex AND low libido. – Susan

All the above can be repaired but don’t always think by touch etc … you can cure all the problems.

I believe touch, massage, with organic avocado oil can bring blood to the vulval area and significantly increase lubrication through engorgement. Increasing sensation through touch, especially expanded orgasm genital massage, can get a woman’s genitals into excellent health. Then adding any kind of hormonal balancing on top of that can help with additional problems. – Susan

Now they have more for men and spent years trying to improve men’s sexual problems and have many really good herbal products that work better Viagra.

Choices abound for men too. And I believe that hand jobs, oral sex (the sucking sensation is excellent for health of both parties, the giver and receiver) and lots of intercourse are the best medicine for erectile health. As well as the man is also getting good aerobic exercise 4-6 times a week, eating a low meat, high veggie healthy diet and getting lots of antioxidants from brightly colored natural foods. I also recommend David Van Arrick’s 4 Pillars of Men’s Sexual Health, which we go over in the Sexual Sticking Points module in Revive Her Drive. – Susan

But they have not helped women the same way, and many of the products that are available for women do not work as well. So I wish that the focus would be trying to help women over come their problems.

A good man gets involved in helping his woman overcome any and all problems she encounters in her life. How about a daily Yoni massage to start? Go with her to the endocrinologist, help her make sense of her choices for hormone therapy, stay with her through the trial and error it takes to find the right hormonal balance that makes her feel good, overcome any other resistance issues she has. For example, if she’s gained weight, take her on a daily walk. It will get her out. And you can put your full attention on her to make her feel loved and appreciated. Soon she’ll be feeling amorous for you again with all that focused attention. – Susan

So lets not make it entirely that men don’t know how to make love … their are other issues.

I never make it entirely that men don’t know how to make love, but I can tell you, every man has “room to grow” in that area. There’s so much to know and learn that you can try to make your sex life more hot and erotic and take the leadership role so your woman can follow and surrender to her sensual pleasure. I attract men who are committed to lifelong learning about sexuality – theirs and their woman’s. – Susan

Many women wish that the same scrutiny to find a solution to their needs and problems related to low libido.

The best thing for low libido is to get turned on and have sex. Not wait for big pharma to provide a solution in a “horny pill.” And then have more sex, and more sex so your body gets turned on easily.  You might have to start very small, very slowly if you have no sex drive. And there may be other issues that need resolved before your woman can consider being intimate with you.

If your man knows how to get your body turned on, by following for example, some of the excellent advanced sexual mastery information in Revive Her Drive such as understanding her anatomy, her erectile tissue network, Zone Theory, Mirroring and Cueing, The Voice of Authority and so much more, your chances of helping your woman get aroused increase exponentially.

“Use it or lose it,” applies to sex drive too. Sometimes ladies just need a little help using it.



Thanks for your email. I appreciate your comments and the opportunity to give you my perspective. – Susan

Reference: This just came in and I thought it might help you… “Hormones and menopause – are they an inevitable death sentence for my partner’s sex life… and therefore mine?”

With Love,
Susan Bratton


  1. Hi Susan,
    I must admit that I often feel the same way as the man who wrote this e-mail to you. In recovering my relationship with my wife I feel overwhelmed and find myself wondering where to even begin. Is it worth the effort I presume it’s going to take? How do I confront my own shortcomings and place her needs ahead of my selfish frustrations?

    • Rod,
      The Four Elements of Revival within Revive Her Drive are a step-by-step plan you can work so you don’t get overwhelmed. There will be days when you take a step backward, but you will see that by laddering up from romance, to awakening her sensually, to seduction and then sexuality, she will become more open and affectionate almost right away and you can use that as a platform for success. Once you feel some success, it will ease the frustration you are feeling. Go ahead and feel frustrated. Feel pissed. It IS frustrating not to have the affection and passion you both deserve.
      Give Revive Her Drive a try, Rod.
      Let us know how you do.

  2. Dr J makes fair but seemingly unenlightened points.
    The assertion that women need more help “to get over their problems” is interesting because I don’t think that our women believe that they have or are problems.
    This comes back to leadership and my own journey is unlearning the indoctrinations of a matriarchal family.
    The PLM products have helped me be a better man but the manifestation of this is in the reactions of women I am not married to.

  3. I can’t agree with you more Susan. Since becoming a member of RHD,
    my wife has become SO much more responsive to our love life. Prior
    to joining RHD our sex life was about the same as most couples. I
    now have a greater understanding of my wife’s needs and how to get
    her aroused. She initiates lovemaking more often.

  4. Susan,

    Your advice assumes the woman has no deep internal issues; i.e. being an adult survivor of child sexual abuse. What know how devastating sexual abuse is to the developing child brain; particularly little girls. The earlier it happens, the greater the damages incurred. Such women tend not to want to be lead sexually any where. The stats say that 1/4 of women have been sexually abused as children. What do you do about a woman who has such baggage, and chooses not to get professional help? With the stats being so high as I’ve stated, it is no wonder that greater than half of all marriages in the US end in divorce in less than 5 years. Personally, I’d like to here what you can instruct a woman to do to become more sexually aroused toward their man. This should be interesting.

    • Jeff I would hope you would trust in RHD process and give it a try before you naysay it. There are many avenues to bridge connection issues that perhaps you could begin together by understanding and setting the atmosphere in a positive way that would draw such woman towards you.

  5. I think it`s not a problem if you choose to help man only even if we both(man,woman)have problem, if my wife have her intimate problem she can go to see her gineco, but me have a teeth problem I go to the dentist. We all man need our personal consultant. I`m so glad you (Susan) choos to be that one.thanks

  6. i am POSITIVE the problem is all my fault in my case!! i am happy for ALL the advice i can get…lol!! my poor 4 ex-Wives would all agree with that!! The proof’s in the pudding…(& it’s not mine…lol)!! glen Walker

  7. I have had the opportunity to review all of your comments on this particular subject. I am an energy therapist and a woman and from a woman’s point of view, who’s ex fiancé is a women, I would like to weigh in here to the men. Yes I was with men up until I was 30 and had a wonder male lover who was kind and patient and considerate of my needs – We had phenomenal sex and yes I was able to experience most of all of what Susan offers. However, when I discovered a deep seeded desire to be with a woman, my attraction towards my male partner began to fade. I was open and hones with him about what I was wanting to discover. I want to put a myth to rest right now for any women out there who are part of this community and who are considering taking up women because you think it will be better than with a man or who think it is or will be the same as being with a man. The answer is NO it is not the same. Regardless of who you are with, the day to day work and chores have to get done and finances earned. While we might know our anatomy better than a man would – women can be just as problematic if they have not dealt with past issues around intimacy, sexual abuse, body image or rejection or for those that have deep psychological issues around abandonment, neglect or addiction blah blah the list goes on… What women want, male or female, is a feeling of deep connection and spiritual trust. To feel safe and uninhibited and not compared to past lovers. To be heard not mind read. If you don’t have these fundamental basics along with respect and no agenda, you have nothing. A partner who is unable to receive or give on any or all levels – mental, emotional, spiritual and physical for what ever reason will not be a willing participant in the bedroom or fantasy world. Some women do not and cannot give nor receive or is better at one than the other. As a therapist who tried to help my fiancé get past cyclical patterns etc. (granted there were moments of bliss, connection and ejaculate orgasms early on in the relationship)((only in the end I was criticised for what comes natural to me)), if a women doesn’t or can’t because of their own unworked out issues (whatever the case) a relationship in trouble can be hard to recover and sorry to say – you can hang in there for all the other reasons other than sex but in the end – Sex is a complete spiritual – body mind and soul experience – without the benefit of sex in a committed relationship each person suffers dearly and sacrifices are made to the detriment. In my case I sacrificed for the sake of not wanting to appear shallow or insensitive even though I brought in the best medical experts to deal with her situation of complete shut down (death bed) amongst other things dealing with her upbringing and some past trauma. Personally – I should not have to be a therapist in my personal relationship in any area – realistically we all have issues that when tabled in an open and honest dialog, compromises can be made – However, at who’s and what expense to the others mental health. My ex became abusive towards me and began projecting because of her inadequacies in many areas of her life. I was not her saviour yet expected to be – I took lead for awhile with the gentle push back of wanting her to build her confidence and take back her own power and self directives when it came to sex. Due to other areas in her life not being whole and happy, this did transfer back into the intimacy arena. In the end I was exhausted and worn out from constantly carrying the weight of the relationship in all areas. Did I enable some stuff – yes I did – my bad. Did red flags appear – yes, I ignored them thinking and comparing myself to maybe a phase I went through 15 – 20 yrs ago. My ex will work it out – I told myself -(faculty and capacity) emotional and life skill immaturity are really tough to get through. Big mistake – Your partner is not you and you are not your partner. Fundamentals of beliefs, goals, dreams, willingness, finances and values were so compromised; that in the end I harmed myself by not listening to myself. So GUYS it is not always you – True. Women can be the worst players and manipulative more so than men and they can also be cruel, in denial and unrelenting in the end. What Susan offers is knowledge in an area where the vast majority of women have problems feeling safe and uninhibited – If all else is good in your relationship and you are secure in both your masculine and feminine energy in yourself – than aligning and working through your intimacy levels requires your brain to activate her brain and a lot of creativity. If she doesn’t bite, once you are loaded (educated and willing) you may just have to deep dive the whole relationship and see if this person is the right match for you and that it is not about convenience or any other issues (age, length of relationship,kids, income, pushover cause its easy) So any women reading this – I hope I have answered your curiosity, is being in relationship with a women the same as a guy? the answer is NO – we are complex, delicious, pleasing and want to be pleased if we are not selfish and all wrapped up in gossip, drama and what others think. When our need for social intimacy is met, our brains are stimulated to the point that just talking can get you wet – than you know you got us for a little further exploration. Guys note – be interesting conversation – massage her brain – make her wet that way first – the rest will become sexual by nature. For women – know yourself and your predominate point of operating energy – Masculine or Feminine – remove any expectations or outcomes and for the love of Jesus COMMUNICATE HONESTLY – than relax and enjoy the moments of touch to whatever level you take it. Commit to the process and don’t waste time. Courting is an all or nothing investment – Its expensive these days. For those of you in the dating world = If your serial and dating others or are bored house wives looking for some girl on girl action (open marriage, saying your separated but don’t act like it cause of … or not ) let your interests know this upfront – guaranteed quality men or women won’t play and won’t waste their time if you’ve lied and are caught out in your games or can’t make the flip or are just experimenting – level the playing field – be honest with what you are doing or needing to discover about yourself. That way there are no hidden agenda’s and everyone can decide what’s right for themselves and what and to what level they want to take it, if at all. On that note – this share has been cathartic. Nothing like sharing in order to observe and teach others – its not always about you or lack of ability and confidence. Regardless – Both need to want the same thing and enjoy the process of discovery into the ultimate Spiritual O on all levels.

    • beautifully said !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. I am 90 years of age and my wife is 86. I am physically healthy but my wife has back problems, and other physical problems. I desire sex but feel that she may not physically be well enough. So, I masturbate to help my sexual anxiety. I appreciate you comments and hope you keep emailing me.

    • Hi Arthur,
      Why don’t you give her sensual massages and tell her sexy stories as you masturbate? Then she can join the fun!

  9. First I love all the advise here, and love having a “advocate” for male sex education. But I have to agree a bit when does it stop being the males “problems” and become the females. (or at least invest equally in a solution)Seems like just not able to get over the “Cant hill”. Cant because of body image, cant because of health issues, cant because I am tired, cant because….. exercise, eat right, have more time, even as you suggest natural oils for lube every time use non water based she gets vestibular gland inflammation (not fun). there is Always something on the Cant hill to over come. Even extremely fit male athletes find a point at which they just become fatigued and exhausted and push no farther. When is it best to just focus on ‘settling” and leave all that fantasy soulmate sexual connected stuff behind and be happy being room mates. Maybe everyone would be happier that way even though one (usually the male) doesn’t want it to be that way. Maybe its just me but nothing I have tried works well take one step forward and two back> Sometimes I feel like the donkey with the carrot dangling in front just enough to keep me going but the carrot will always be out of reach. Maybe I am expecting to much, or maybe women just plain don’t want or need sexual intimacy to be happy, maybe the ideal relationship is room mate status the stats and numbers certainly seem that way. Bottom line it is all way more confusing and frustrating that it seems it should be.

  10. Someone mentioned menopause being the death of a sex life. I am well over menopause, and luckily still have a good sex drive. My problem is finding partners who want to have good sex with me. Most of my experience has been with the wam, bam thank you ma’am brigade who do not know or consider a woman would like to have an enjoyable experience and are not willing to learn, however subtle one is. In my early life I cannot blame the men, I was as ignorant as them, but in later years found a reluctance to learn amongst partners. My latest lover admitted his fear or intimacy and lack of knowledge of women which enabled me to share my lack of knowledge and never having had an orgasm except by masterbation, so we were trying to learn together. Sadly the relationship broke down due to family problems, including their objection to my age ( I’m 70 and he is 52), though we are still friends. In the Western world it seems as if women over about 55 are regarded almost as non women and certainly not people you can think of as sexy and have desires. It’s very depressing. Where will I find a partner to share things with including a good sex life? I do not want to spend what could be many years(I am healthy and active) alone.

  11. I too took a while to get past the “it’s not fair that I have to do all the work” reaction to my part of my sexless marriage.
    As I’ve dove deeper into my recovery and maturity, I realized that in my relationship life I’ve put on the role of the victim, and not of a leader.
    Once you realize that you have the power to change yourself, and work at becoming a better man, one who embraces and lives out time-tested spiritual truths; I.e. ‘you reap what you sow,’ ‘pursue wisdom & knowledge’, ‘men are leaders, women are responders’ etc. you will change yourself into a man that is once again attractive to your wife. This requires challenging and dropping some popular but useless social programming, like male/female ‘equality,’ ‘a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle,’ ‘all men are rapists,’ ‘happy wife, happy life,’ (led me to be a non-confrontational pleaser-nice guy) etc.
    It’s very encouraging to know that I can change myself and have a different marriage. I’m seeing changes already. Real manhood requires big shoulders; it’s a huge responsibility, that’s why we’re typically the larger, stronger, less-rattled of the two!
    There’s no ‘equality’ in that the man needs to lead the woman in the direction that he wants the relationship to go, for the good of both. However, this is how it seems we were made to operate best, regardless of feminism, ‘we’re all equals,’ MGTOW, philosophy of the week, etc.
    Making changes as a man, getting clear on what you want in your relationship and what you’ll tolerate and what you won’t, frees up both parties to be ‘all in’ or get out and move on.
    This is a very real possibility, and as a therapist recently said, if you tell yourself and your spouse that “you will never leave, regardless of the circumstances’ (I’m a Christian, so there’s messages that refer to divorce as the unpardonable sin-yet that’s a lie) then you’ve given away some of your power.
    We all bring our best selves to a marriage, relationship or work, when we know that if we consistently give a half-assed effort, we can be ‘let go.’
    Knowing you’ll never get fired leads to mediocrity.
    Be a good leader! Communicate expectations, wants, needs, desires and consequences clearly, honestly and FOLLOW THROUGH!!
    I think a lot of American men anyway, are afraid to rock the boat, we’re afraid of losing our woman, we’ve put her on a pedestal, and we’re afraid of being alone, so we don’t make bold decisions or bold statements of what we want, what we won’t put up with, or how we’ve blown it. This, as Susan says, kills a woman’s attraction to us. She needs and wants to be with a strong, solid, honest, grounded man.
    That so many boys are being raised by single moms, with female teachers, leads them to learn to pursue pleasing women by acting & behaving ‘nice’, that women are the authorities, and to be subservient to them. This creates a big problem when they become men and enter into relationships. How does a boy make the leap from obeying and pleasing women, to leading women? That’s a topic for another time.
    In my religious tradition, Adam was tasked with tending the garden, and the garden of a relationship is no different. There are weeds that need to be pulled in order for the flowers, the vegetables (what you want) to grow. The seeds you’ve planted need to be tended to with love, care, and a long-term patience. They won’t grow overnight, yet tomorrow there will be new weeds to deal with. Keep at it, there’s no guarantee of a good harvest either. As Jesus said, be (and look for) good soil. That’s the key to the seeds you’ve planted growing into strong plants and reaping a bountifully harvest for yourself.
    Your woman is a garden, get the skills to create the environment for her to blossom!

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