I am 45 and my wife Mary is 43, we have been married for 16 years now. Sex was best when we first got married although Mary found it very difficult orgasming through penetration and really only orgasmed through oral*. Sex declined as Mary felt I did not put her first in a lot of situations and she started shutting down emotionally.
Now even though for three years now that I have made dramatic changes in putting her first and loving her in the way I should have always, (which Mary acknowledges) Mary still feels hurt by past issues where I didn’t put her first and therefore she fell out of love with me. Mary says she loves me and sees all the effort I have made in making the changes, and feels that I do always put her first, but says she still doesn’t have romantic feelings for me and this is why she doesn’t want any sex or affection from me.
We are currently seeing a councelor where she say’s I need to pull back with my affectionate advancements and let Mary decide if she wants to meet me half way.
We have two children and that is what has saved our marriage to this point but as much as I love my wife and children I know we need to repair our passion to save our marriage. We are great together and connected in so many ways emotionally but I am having such a hard time getting her attracted to me again. I know Mary is not seeing anybody else and that her sex drive is just shut down. After a lot of effort to get to where we are now (closer emotionally) we are going away this weekend without the kids for the first time since we got married. Sex is not on Mary’s mind just seeing if it will spark some attraction. Any advice?
I am trying to get through the Revive Her Drive material that I have already purchased. My life is crazy busy with work, running around with the kids to ballgames and practice, and also trying to help my wife get past her resistance issues of not feeling attracted to me anymore, therefore not wanting to have any sex I feel overwhelmed sometimes with my schedule and although I find your advice very helpful I could use some individual help if you offer it.
OK, Brandon. This is totally workable and frankly, I disagree with your counselor about pulling back on advances. You should double down on the romance, just pull back on asking for sex.
You will have to work on Mary’s trust issues with you, and keep showing up every single second as the guy who wants to love her, romance her, be intimate and keep your marriage together and getting better and better. Never waffle. Don’t give up. You have to have a STRONG, consistent showing of your love for her right now. She’s testing you. This is a TEST, Brandon.
The steps to getting the fire started again are a little tedious for the typical guy because you just want to get inside her, get close, feel good, create pleasure, have orgasms… And chicks are super slow to get to that desire in comparison, especially if there’s muddy water under the bridge.
So here’s what you have to do.
First, read the Revive Her Drive Fast Path Guide, The Four Elements of Revival, and Is Her Sex Drive Repairable? – in the latter, see how the four guys overcame their issues. You’ll see some similarities to Robert and Ivan and SemperFi in your own situation.
That gets you up to speed with the concept of the Four Elements of Revival.
The first is POLARITY.
This is where you show up as the strong, consistent man who can handle any issues and will weather her anger and drive for truth. You will begin to lead her forward, providing structure and security so she knows she can rely on you and her anger will lessen.
Ultimately you will be giving her a chance to pursue you by romancing her and not going after her sexually, but letting her come to you.
The second element of Revival is Overcoming Resistance. She’s angry and you’ll likely need time and consistency to regain her trust. She’s stopped thinking about you sexually, so she’s resistant to desiring you. The way you will overcome her resistance to you is to romance her. There are oodles of tactics in Revive Her Drive for romancing a woman the way women like to be romanced, which is slowly, and full of talking and communication. There are 10 key romance strategies in the free Stealth Turn Around Tricks eBook. Start with these as you can do them without telling her you are. They are subtle but POWERFUL for a woman – I call ’em “Chick Crack.”
There are another 20 romance strategies in the Fast Path Guide. After you start the first 10 in Stealth, you can add in the other 20, and modify them for your personal tastes.
Do these romance things for 30 days before deciding if she’s ready to be moved into the next step, which is Awakening Her Sensually.
This is not sex. This is senses – the 8 senses that get her feeling her body again. You have to turn her animal back on. There are tons of sensual ideas all through the audio modules with the dozen experts. Listen to all the modules the first month so you get a sense of how it all fits together and you earmark ideas you like from the various experts.
Get her to taste good food, smell delicious things (buy a candle for the bedroom just to make the light nice, without sexually approaching her), stroke her softly, stroke her hair, if you dance, twirl her around the room (the sense of proprioception – where are bodies are in space), make her a playlist of songs she’ll enjoy for auditory pleasure, even start whispering your love for her in her ear – that sends shivers and gives her wonderful juicy feelings, even if she pushes you away. Listen to the Erotic Communication module with Adam Gilad for more techniques.
You get the idea.
Awaken her body.
Get her feeling again.
Deliver pleasurable sensations to her that are not overtly sexual, but are sensual instead.
Love her like crazy. Consistently. Let her get her anger out. Just weather it and listen.
Bring pleasure into her life (and yours! this should be delightful to you, not feel like work or manipulation) every day.
Soon she’ll start warming to you.
Amp up the intimacy that’s non-sexual.
Start studying the Seduction pieces next as that’s the 3 Element of Revival – seductive sexuality strategies. Listen to Dr. Patti Taylor’s Module, The Four Keys to Seduction and Alex Allman’s module on Lifelong Passion. Get a sense of how you are going to slowly start seducing her again.
The final piece is educating yourself on high-level sexual mastery. Do you know all her anatomical parts? Can you find her clitoral cure? Do you know how to awaken her G-Area (not just her G-Spot). Can you ably stroke her whole erectile tissue network? Do you know Zone Theory? Listen to Maps To Buried Pleasure, the module with Sheri Winston. Study female anatomy, so that when you finally get your hands on her again, you will bring her massive pleasure and many orgasms. Listen to David Van Arrick’s module on Sexual Sticking Points.
There’s so much to guide you and a process for getting her back in your arms, a happy, sexually satisfied woman who adores you.
That’s the goal. And it’s possible, Brandon.
It’s all ready for you.
Let me know how you do.
*Note: If your woman cannot orgasm through intercourse and penetration with your penis and is limited to orgasming through oral, vibrator or manual stimulation to her clitoris, all you need to do is get her more engorged and awaken her up inside by learning the female anatomy, stroking her with organic avocado or other oil a few times a week until you bring blood and feeling (you’re creating new neural pathways) to her up inside. Pair that with Billy’s Penis Pivots and really stroke her inside with your penis once you’ve mapped her inside, so that you’re not just sticking your cock in and out in and out but instead are stroking spots inside her pussy that bring her pleasure because you’ve awakened them with your fingers and the stroking and massage.
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