QUESTION
Susan,
I found out last month that my wife is having an emotional affair over the Internet.
I confronted her about all of the naughty and intimate email I found between them.
She says they were just friends, but unfortunately for her I wasn’t born yesterday.
So I told her that I am not mad, just STOP IT! She promised she would, but this morning I found a new email string of the same shit like last month.
I started your Stealth Turn Around Tricks, but I notice it wasn’t working well. I think I know why now!
HELP!!!! — Kevin
ANSWER
Dear Kevin,
I’m sorry to hear about this, but it’s a good catalyst for honest communication and you can get through this and come out the other side even stronger in your relationship than when you first got together.
This is also more and more common and it is fixable.
First things first.
If she’s having an email affair, she’s likely not getting the attention from you that she needs to feel in love. That’s why she found attention elsewhere.
So, instead of getting mad or upset at her or yourself, consider it a growth opportunity for you two to get your needs all out on the table.
Sit down with her, tell her you love her and you want to start today to co-create a relationship that delights you both. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. Do this. Don’t skip this step.
Do you have Revive Her Drive? If you do, download, print out and do the Relationship Values workbook together.
Read these to prepare yourself for leading her through this exercise:
What Are Relationship Values and How Do They Help?
How To Discuss Your Relationship Values With Her
Once you understand what she wants from your relationship and she understands what you want, you can begin to repair your connection.
Do this first and come back to me with your list of four top Relationship Values for each of you. We can take it from there.
Don’t worry. She’s showing that she craves attention and affection. This is much better than trying to deal with a woman who is numb or deadened.
With love,
Susan Bratton