“We often have immediate responses that seem to pop out of our mouths: “I don’t want to!” “No, you can’t!” “It’s too much!”
Sometimes these are the voices of wisdom, other times they are abrupt knee-jerk reactions that come from old conditioning in the limbic system of the brain. They often shut people out, create distance, and keep us at a superficial level of awareness.
If we take a thought and follow it deeper and deeper, we often find the heart of our feelings and get down to the real issues.
When we can speak from these vulnerable core places, we are more likely to work through conflict and feel intimate.”
“When trying to solve a problem or work through a situation, let yourself hear all your thoughts and feelings. Don’t censor anything. Often people have important thoughts they dismiss because they don’t seem relevant or because they seem contradictory. Say or write down everything until you feel a sense of being cleared out. Sometimes if you sit for a minute longer, deeper thoughts will come to mind. This is your inner world speaking to you.”
“One way to gain access to our deeper thoughts is to put our focus in the area of our heart, and breathe into it. You can imagine the area softening and becoming spacious. You might want to touch the area over your heart and keep your focus there as you listen. Imagine that you are putting your problem or concern in your heart with kindness and compassion. Then follow your thoughts deeper and deeper. In this way you will find your truths.” — Excerpted from, “A Home for the Heart: Creating Intimacy and Community with Loved Ones, Neighbors and Friends,” by Charlotte Sophia Kasl, Ph.D.
Here’s a situation you might find familiar.
Sharon told Ted frequently that she’d enjoy having sex later that day. She wanted him to know that she was attracted to him and desired him.
But when night time rolled around, she didn’t seem to be in the mood. Ted would give her a neck rub but they’d end up watching TV or reading before turning out the lights.
He didn’t understand why she’d say one thing and do another. She’d say she wanted sex, but she’d go to sleep.
Sharon didn’t understand why Ted wouldn’t go beyond a neck rub and most nights she’d go to sleep wishing she’d had a least one great orgasm.
Ted didn’t ask. And he felt like Sharon wasn’t “good on her word.”
Trust eroded and they slipped further apart.
What Ted didn’t know was that Sharon desperately wanted to be sexual with him, but even telling him during the day that she desired him went against all her cultural programming about being a “good girl.”
She needed Ted to initiate sex, to move her from neutral to turned on, so she could relax and enjoy making love with him. It didn’t feel right to her to both tell him she desired him AND initiate lovemaking.
So night after night, they left opportunity on the table that could have resulted in passion and pleasure.
If they had followed their thoughts to the core, had the courage to ask and speak from “these vulnerable core places,” their intimacy would have increased.