My friend Jeff emailed me a picture of this book cover,
I remembered Chas August, our host of Sex, Love & Intimacy on our Personal Life Media podcast network had interviewed Sue and I thought you might find the podcast valuable because it’s clear what we all want is the reassurance of being loved. Simple.
Here’s a written excerpt, and you can click here to listen to the audio. <=== Hold Me Tight
Sue Johnson: One couple I’m working with they call it, “The Nothing.” It leads them to nothing.
There’s nothing between them and the way it goes is… she gets upset and starts to seize and she withdraws. She stops talking to him, she goes away. She goes away and he picks up the tension and he really gets freaked by it. He knows that she is not talking to him so he goes and he says to her “What? What’s wrong?” and she says, because she is quite intimidated by him and she is quite unsure of herself she doesn’t know what to say, she doesn’t really understand what’s going on with her so she says, “Nothing” and he says “What are you talking about? Why wont you talk to me?” And he gets more critical and she thinks, “Oh my god, I can’t please this man, I just wanna run away from here.”
So she says nothing, nothing and then they get totally frustrated and they don’t talk to each other for days. So they call it “The Nothing,” and when they can start to understand how the nothing has actually taken over their relationship at various times for 30 years and really destroyed a lot of their love and trust for each other, they can come together and start realizing that this pattern, this demon dialogue comes in and takes over. The trouble with it is its not that painful when its happening but it destroys people’s sense of safety and connection with their partner so then when they do really need something – when they do need comfort and security – they have a very hard time turning to their partners and asking for it.
You have to be able to step out of the demon dialogue and create a safe place to stand in your relationship once you understand your partner really isn’t the enemy. People must be able to turn and talk about the fears and ask for what they need to feel really safe and connected to their partner.
People like to be needed. “I just want you to hold me for a minute because I’m anxious about tomorrow.” People like it. So people start to be able to talk about their needs in a whole new way and reach for each other and pull each other close and when they can do that all kinds of things just fall into place. They’re able to talk about their sexuality differently, they’re able to look at any injuries if you had in a relationship and create forgiveness you know once you can have that kind of bonding conversation you can reach for each other you know you can do that. I think the relationship is on a whole new footing.
Chip August: You’ve established real love in the definition of love that is attachment, connection and that real meeting of the hearts.
Sending Love Into Your Heart.