Dear Sloane,
My wife and I have been married 22 years and our sex life has been going down slowly for the past 6 years or so. However it wasn’t always that way. In fact, during the first 10 years, our sex life was dynamic, and my wife had a few lovers outside the marriage. A couple times when I found out I got a little jealous, but I did not hate her for it. She would tell me what happened, and it would typically turn into some extremely hot lovemaking. Her last lover I knew about, she didn’t hide anything. I knew when she was going to meet him and she shared the experience right away when she came home, and again it would turn into intense love making sessions.
Here is the issue now. Those past experiences were very erotic for me; they turn me on when she talks to me about them. I fantasize about her being with other men and women and it is very stimulating. But NOW she doesn’t want to do that, or even talk about it. And it seems that when I bring it up she gets mad and thinks it’s wrong and dirty.
She said that, “Because I am willing to share her with another man or woman, means that I don’t love her.” However I feel I love her very much.
Am I wrong to feel the way I do, or to enjoy her in that way? Do you think that I don’t love her?
Gary
Related Post: “My Husband Fantasizes About Me Being With Another Man [Mailbag]”
Dear Gary,
I know you love your wife. And your feelings are legitimate and completely understandable.
And you are not alone in enjoying sharing your wife with other men or women. There are many, many couples who, in the privacy of their own sex lives, enjoy having other lovers or even sharing a lover.
For some men, they appreciate having a wife so turned on and sexually expressed that she wants to have sex with more than one man while still being happily married to you, her primary lover.
Other men like the idea of making love to their wife or girlfriend after another man has ejaculated inside her. Coming after another man, replacing that man’s semen with his own.
For others it’s a primal experience to have access to an alpha female who has her choice of lovers and chooses him.
The list of reasons why sharing a woman with other men is a turn on for not just the woman, but the men involved is as lengthy and unique set of motivations and rationales as there are people with differing experiences.
Accepting yourself and the desires you have and further cultivating them through fantasy and conversational exploration with your partner can, if there’s a foundation of trust between you, continue to deepen your intimacy together and expand your sexual satisfaction.
It sounds like conditions have changed for your wife.
Start there.
First explain to her that sharing her makes you love her more, not less, since you get off on the joy she has being with other partners. You two are lucky that your sexual desires are mutually supportive. She likes (or used to, anyway) having other lovers and you liked her having them too.
This is a terrific scenario for you both and can be built upon and expanded.
For example, you might want to be present sometime when she is with another lover. You might enjoy being in the same room, or even adding to the group pleasure by participating in some small ways that work with everyone’s boundaries.
You can run your own scenarios. The sky is the limit as long as everyone is safe and happy and your communication is loving and very conscious.
But your wife, at this moment, seems to be feeling unsafe. Either she wants something else and being with other lovers isn’t turning her on right now, or she needs enough reassurance that you will continue to love her and really LIKE it when she is with other lovers so she’ll feel supported in her desire and perhaps stop second guessing herself.
After all, it takes a lot of courage for a married woman to ask for her sexual desires to be satisfied by more than her husband. There’s a lot of cultural programming to be navigated and only the strongest of women could feel confident about expressing themselves in a way that goes against conventionally acceptable behavior.
She might be feeling ashamed.
Or her desires might be covered up by something else going on in her life such as pain or upset in her career or personal life.
Your best best is to get very clear about why sharing her is such a turn on to you. Write down or tell her verbally (which ever is easier for you) as many specifics about what you like as you can think of.
The more you can reassure her that you get off on her making love with other people beyond you, it’s a mutually satisfying situation that you’d be open to continuing to pursue and that you love her like crazy and want to expand your sexual lives together as partners, supporting each other on your life’s journey.
Our cultural mindset assumes that if our partner sleeps with someone else, they won’t love us as much. This fixed pie mentality is incorrect. The heart expands infinitely with love. She can love you more while also loving others. You can love her more because she is a woman of infinite love and sexual expression.
Having lovers can keep you both excited and on your toes, contributing to a rocking sex life together.
As long as one of your mutually mandatory benefits is safe sex, and you are both in total agreement about testing, STD and HIV prevention (such as using condoms, dental dams and only sleeping with people who have current tests and few partners who are of the highest integrity, you can manage your risks – read up on this and have agreements) you can safely and pleasurably navigate this together.
Just talk to her.
Listen to her situation.
Be honest with each other.
Ask her, “Where did you get that idea?” Get underneath her thoughts to her feelings and desires.
You can find out why she’s had a change of heart and how you can support her in her sexual needs and you can tell her about your sexual needs.
I have a feeling you two could have an incredibly hot, passionate sex life together, once you get all your thoughts out on the table together.
Remember, it’s your life. You can have it the way it suits you two and it’s nobody else’s business but your lovers. As long as you two are honest and loving, you can find your way to mutual growth and deepening love.
Let us know how you do.
Sloane
Please
3 Responses
I think that the wife has developed feelings for one of her lovers. That makes sense to md
Vincent…why does your wife HAVE lovers?
to me no women well fucked will look for another man to fuck her and more than one man in her case and for years. the feeling that she was doing something wrong and dirty is not going to change easy . try to rememberwhat type of fuck other men used to give her give her that fuck and harder and she will come back to you dont talk and let your coke do the talk