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How To Have Safe Sex In An Open Relationship

How To Have Safe Sex In An Open Relationship

[Boyfriend Cooled Off On Her]

See if you fall victim to this emotional trigger…


Here’s a letter from an Insider’s Club member about her boyfriend trouble:

Hi Susan,

I’ve been dating this guy for about 7 months and he’s gone cold on me. The last time we had a date, he didn’t want to have sex.

Our relationship is based on our sexual attraction and as a busy professional, when we get together, I want to make passionate love.

The interesting twist is that we are in an “open” kind of relationship where the rules are:

1) You can date anyone else you want to. (I don’t own you or your genitals, you are free.) But I’d like to know in advance if you have a date planned, so I’m not blind sided in case I hear it from someone else that you were with someone other than me.

2) If you go on a date with another woman and you have intercourse or oral sex, you can no longer have either of those sexual options with me until you wait 90 days and have a full panel of new, clean STD tests. (We are in a fluid bonded relationship currently.) [link to the fluid bonded blog post ]If you decide not to screen back in with the waiting period and tests, I will understand and our sexual relationship will be over until the point in the future (if it ever happens) that you go through the waiting period and screening tests.

So my question is this, Susan. If I’ve given him all this freedom to date anyone he wants, why did he go cold on me?

Thanks for any light you can shed on this.

Michelyn, Weston, MA

Hi Michelyn,

Glad you asked. First of all, congratulations for having an open relationship with conscious guidelines around safe sex. I agree that the 90 day screening period of waiting and then testing is the single safest thing you can do to give any sexually transmitted diseases time to incubate and show up on tests.

It’s wonderful to have the ability to have wet sex — sex without a condom or barrier — because you’ve both been tested and have an agreement to be fluid bonded.

I also applaud your confidence in asking for passionate lovemaking as a primary part of your dating relationship. I think a lot of men feel this way too, and are afraid to ask for it as a foundation to a relationship. More and more women are waking up to the importance of continually working on and getting better at lovemaking by putting attention on it.

And good for you for giving your boyfriend all the freedom he needs to make his own decisions about who he has sex with. So many men cheat on women because there isn’t a system in place to allow them to savor other women.

Giving each other a way to kiss and use their hands to get another person off, without oral or intercourse, is the best way I know to have freedom within a safe set of boundaries.

As to why, with all this freedom, he has cooled on you?

You will have to ask him. Don’t try to guess. Because you will guess wrong.

Likely right now you are thinking maybe it’s something you did or didn’t do.

The best advice I can give you is to follow the Q-Tip Rule:


The reason he’s cooled sexually probably has nothing to do with you.

There is a world inside his head that is all about him.

Even if you ask, what he tells you could be some head game he’s playing with himself.

You just never know!

Unless he gives you a concrete reason of something you did, it’s likely you’ll never know.

I do feel badly for you that you’ve been so open, upfront and mature and that you’re hurting because of this seeming rejection.

Just know that there is no one answer and you may never really understand.

Try to be OK with that.

Let him go off and have his experiences.

Chalk it up to a learning experience for both of you.

Remember the great times you had.

And keep working your open relationship program.

Tons of guys would love to date a woman who has such a wonderful, free system.

Like I tell all my single friends, just keep going out with your eyes open to see who turns you on.

Then get to know them as best you can to see if they are emotionally stable and potential dating material.

You can’t win if you don’t play.

So pick yourself up, brush yourself off and go offer yourself back out to the world.

You seem like an amazing woman. So many lovers would be incredibly fortunate to be part of your love life.

Let me know how things go.

And take some time to nurture yourself. Rejection always stings, even when it has nothing to do with you.

Here are some links about STD testing, fluid bonded relationships, herpes and lyme disease.

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