“She tells me to go have sex with someone else. But I know she doesn’t mean it.”
“She refuses to get her hormones checked.”
“I try to help as much as I can with chores but she’s always ‘too tired or too busy to make love.”
Here’s a very typical email from a married guy whose wife doesn’t want to have much sex with him. See my step-by-step advice on how to get her to want to have sex with you again.
THERE IS HOPE!
“I’m in a kind of sexless marriage. We had sex once this quarter. If I don’t try to initiate sex it would NEVER happen. Sometimes she will give me a hand job just to appease me. We use to have fun, adventurous sex when we dated and in the early phase of our marriage. Now we are so disconnected, even when I hold her hand or kiss and hug her it doesn’t feel like she’s at all sexually interested in me. She just seems busy or tired all the time.
After my wife had our child and we started our business she stopped even being willing to talk to me about having sex. I don’t want to be married to a mother and business partner only. I want a wife who wants to have passionate sex with me. I am a good dad and provider and I help out with chores and do as much as I can to help her.
She says that just because we’re married doesn’t mean you are entitled to sex. 🙁 When I ask for sex it turns into a fight. She says all I think about is trying to get sex, which is not true. It makes me sad that we can solve this problem together. I feel so alone and on my own and I am struggling and miserable. She wants to pretend like this issue doesn’t exist. She also refuses to go get her hormones checked. And sometimes she just tells me to go have sex with someone else. I know she doesn’t mean that. She’s just using it as a tactic to get me to leave her alone.
I wish she would want me. Is it too late? Should I give up? Is there anything I can do to get her to want me?”
— Sexless and Stymied in Seattle
My Advice to Rekindle Her Interest In Sex With Her Husband
Sexless and Stymied needs to keep having the conversation with his wife that intimacy is part of the deal of marriage and that he is not making an unusual request.
He needs to get her to understand that she has to TRY. She has to bring a more positive attitude or reveal some issue that is holding her back beyond just, “she doesn’t want to.” This is simply unfair.
She is using stonewalling and immature tactics to push him off until he gives up. He cannot give up now or he will be in a sexless marriage stuck for the rest of his days until he’s bitter.
Unlike a man, it’s pretty easy for women to not want sex, especially the longer she goes without it. She doesn’t understand how important sex is to a man and what she’s giving up by not being sexual. She’s shutting down a huge part of her vitality and health and her emotional connection to her husband.
Deep inside she likely knows that what she is doing is unfair to him and to herself, but she is not motivated by her hormones to want sex. Once kids are in the picture, her biology makes her disinterested in sex with her husband. What’s frustrating is that she’s still likely thinking about sex, just not with him.
Why? Most women just get bored with their husbands. That’s why men are driven by a fear that their woman will cheat on them. The double whammy is that men don’t often think of themselves as boring in bed, but most wives, even if they don’t understand this is what is happening, get bored with repetitive sex with their partners. Women require a lot more variety and sexual leadership from their man then they usually get. Men think they know more than they actually do about sexual communication skills and lovemaking techniques. And if they get their ideas from porn, it turns most wives off.
Stymied’s wife most likely got bored with his lack of skill after her “new relationship energy hormone cocktail” wore off. In as little as a few months the oxytocin and other hormones that make you fall in love decline and you have to do what I’ve outlined below to ramp her hormones back up to the point where she’s excited and horny for you.
He needs to understand that this is TYPICAL. She’s not horrible. He’s not wrong. It’s what happens NOW, what he does right NOW, that will be his make or break.
First he needs to make sure he doesn’t have ANY SHAME about his desire. Wanting your wife to have sex with you is completely reasonable… part of the agreement of marriage.
And to understand that he needs to re-awaken her sensuality and make her want him to have sex with her.
That is an escalation that actually starts with romance, and putting sensual but not sexual attention on her.
He has to get her body feeling desire again slowly so that she comes to him or at least is open to wanting his sexual attention.
It can take as little as 90 days to affect this, but he has to be super consistent.
And there may be some emotional blow ups, but he has to show he’s willing to weather them and that he is the champion for their intimate relationship until she is finally filled up enough with orgasms to desire him.
Next he must lay it out for her that he’s not going to be cowed. He has to stand for their sexual intimacy without her support until she “gets it.” Let her rage. Let her stonewall. Let her have her temper tantrums. And just keep telling her, “We deserve to be intimately connected together in our marriage. I will keep trying to bring you back to the sensual pleasure we had when we first started being together. This is a deal breaker for me. I cannot allow myself to be in a sexless marriage and become bitter with you. Even though you don’t think you want sex with me now, it is my job as your husband to keep this flame alive until you are with me, hand in hand, in a loving, sexual relationship.”
As well, Stymied needs to put some polarity back in their relationship. This part of his letter that tells me he is like a girlfriend, not a man she wants to fuck is where he does chores for her and is always trying to do more and more and more. That emasculates him. He turns into the housewife. She loses respect for him, which makes her not want to have sex with him. He should be encouraging her to keep growing and taking on more responsibility in her life. They are young. He’s not her mother.
Next, make sure she doesn’t have some sexual abuse issue or past sexual repression from family or religion that is rearing it’s ugly head. Deal with that if there is an underlying issue through either education, information or therapy. When she realizes that there is no, “out” for her, she may need support to overcome any resistance issues from her past.
She has ZERO incentive to get her hormones checked. She won’t until she’s getting good sex and actually wants more. It’s very likely not her hormones anyway. If you assume she got bored and sex was just not satisfying to her anymore with you, as much as that hurts to read, you will be able to step up an handle this more realistically. Remember, hormones decline… the sex becomes less exciting for her and more repetitious, until she doesn’t want it from you any more. This is biology’s bite on our butt. But you CAN reign. Just follow these turn around steps.
Step #1. Go back to square one. You have to get her remembering WHY she partnered with you.
Start with romancing her by getting her body moving. Take her on a walk, bike ride, rowboat, anything where you are conveying her. This movement creates the polarity that sets her body up for wanting touch.
Then start with light touching, ‘catch and release’, strokes without sexual neediness. The Passion Patch has the most effective, not-overtly sexual but incredibly sensual touch techniques that turn a woman back on. It gets her to like his touches again. He should touch her for rapture, not effect. (There is a free ebook in Expand Her Orgasm Tonight that explains this.)
CONNECT NERVOUS SYSTEMS
He can also start holding her until she relaxes into his arms. This is like training an animal to trust you.
Once she will let him touch her and she starts responding to his touch, he can introduce the idea of sexual massage. He should try to get her to want his fingers on her pussy by teasing her and not touching her pussy as he massages her. It will remind her she’s a sexual being. He has to drive her crazy so she starts getting horny with these sensual massages. Make her work for him.
At the same time, he needs to educate himself on sexual techniques. On the side, he should be learning, watching, listening, reading good programs like Expand Her Orgasm Tonight.
Once she’s ready, he can lead her through some of the 21 Sandbox Dates inside Expand Her Orgasm Tonight. These “dates” are building block experiences to a hot sex life. They teach both the man and woman skills that make sex really conscious and connected.
All of this advice is FUN. He can choose to make it pleasurable by his attitude. (except if she has emotional issues which need therapy, of course, but those can be cathartic)
It’s best to read the short little ebook in Revive Her Drive to understand the four elements of revival. Then to listen to the ideas in the audios. He will be able to select ideas from the wide offering of advice inside Revive Her Drive. Every relationship is unique, so there’s not a one-size-fits-all list of exactly what to do. A guy has to feel his way and respond in real time to his wife’s reactions to his new sexual leadership.
She may be very WARY of him. “What are you doing? Did you get that from porn? I told you I don’t want to have sex, I’m too tired. Why don’t you get a mistress?” She will be pushing you away and pushing you away. You must maintain your steadfast commitment to knowing that her responses are just naturally what her body is telling her to do. It’s like her body is controlling her mind and you need to get underneath her mind directly to her body and get her body feeling desire again.
That’s why these touch techniques are so powerful, as is the hugging her until she relaxes, and then over time, beginning to stroke her body and give her massages that after the first 2 or 3, start to get her wet.
Inside Revive Her Drive are all the steps and tons of variations for you to try.
The four elements of reviving a sex life in Revive Her Drive are:
- Overcome her resistance issues. (what is in her head? her past?)
- Inject more polarity. (stop being her friend and be her man – this is #1 issue most guys do wrong)
- Awaken her body with romance and then sensual touch. She’s an animal. Train her.
- Get good at giving her orgasms so she will want more sex. (learn about how to give a woman multiple orgasms by doing your homework and educating yourself – the Making Her Multi-Orgasmic Webinar is fantastic and free. Watch it with a beginner’s mind. Don’t watch it thinking you know what you are doing. Be open to learning and adding to your skill set. Get out of your ego and into your willingness to grow your sexual skills.)
Though this may seem daunting, and a lot to take in, it’s actually not that difficult.
Remain strong. Stand for your sex life. Imagine how rank it would be to live under the same roof without ever making love. Waking up to the wall of her back. Knowing that your sex life was squandered because you didn’t do the work of educating yourself and standing up for your marriage relationship.
You are the man.
It is your job to lead your woman.
The tools are available.
And you can weather any emotional storms, because they do blow over.
We made these online home study programs so that men all of the world could fix this naturally occurring biological paradigm themselves without having to cheat, go to therapy or suffer in sexless silence. The programs are a system. The Passion Patch gets you the touches that work. Revive Her Drive explains how step-by-step you can lead her back into your arms. And Expand Her Orgasm Tonight is a program that couples can do together (you can lead her through the whole thing) to educate themselves on how to have an incredibly pleasurable sex life together.
Hey, they don’t teach this stuff at Harvard. Your parents didn’t know this information. Much of it comes from the latest neuroscience applied in an easy and fun way.
It’s yours to win.
And we are here to support you if you get stuck.
As well, we have four incredible coaches who can give you one-on-one or couples support over Skype or the phone .They are sex, love and intimacy coaches who can lay out a plan to get from where you are now, to where you want to be. . . soaked in sweat from a hot fucking session, totally high on oxytocin, in love all over again.
If you want the fastest track with the least amount of effort, a coach is the way to get back to great sex quickly.
$203.95 THE SEX LIFE RE-START PLAN:
- Start with The Passion Patch touch technique.
- Educate yourself about the four steps to reviving her sex drive in Revive Her Drive.
- Consider getting a coach to accelerate your success and guide you in your process.
- Once she’s starting to show signs of sex life, begin the 21-Day Expanded Orgasm system.
- Send us great thanks for saving your sex life.
If you want The Passion Patch, Revive Her Drive and Expand Her Orgasm Tonight all in your membership area, here is the fastest way to buy them ASAP.
Click on each link and purchase each of the three separately. You will pay $203.95 (PP is $9.95, RHD is $97 and EHOT is $97 at our lowest ever price) get instant access to the shopping cart without having to go to all the different websites and watch the videos and buy the programs. Instant gratification and you can get started right now.