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How To Heal Your Lover’s Genital Pain

How To Heal Your Lover’s Genital Pain

She hasn’t had sex for over 3 years and says she is too small for intercourse.  

Sometimes our past experiences traumatize us so much it affects how we move forward with our relationship and sex life.

Sex is wonderful. It unites to lovers in their own personal universe for that moment, and bathes them in pleasure.

However, a person hurt in one way or another in the past may want to avoid engaging in sexual relations.

Just like in Ron’s case. His new girlfriend has suffered vaginal trauma. Can she be healed?

Scroll down for his story and my advice below.

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“Hello! I have been dating my girlfriend for several months. We haven’t had actual sex yet but she says it’s coming. She hasn’t had sex for over 3 years and says she is too small for intercourse.  

We actually tried one time and after I was ‘inside’ of her about an inch she stopped me and said it hurt a lot. I don’t know what to do.  

We do mutual masturbation, she gives me blow jobs and play with each others bodies. I have asked her to talk to her doctor and she says “we’ll figure it out.” She has even asked me if that was a deal breaker for me if we could never have actual sex.  

Of course, I told her it was not. And I mean that because I am truly in love with her. She has had four children so that confuses me even more.  

I have been in a few relationships in my life and she makes me happier than anyone ever has.

What do you suggest? I do love her so much that if we could never have actual intercourse that I would definitely stay with her. Any help would be very much appreciated.


Ron (not his real name)”


Hi Ron,

I’d take her to the gynecologist asap. You want to rule out lichen sclerosis or other damage. If her gyno says she’s “normal,” then here’s what I’d recommend.

She needs vulva massage. A woman’s vagina can accommodate a man’s penis. They are build for each other. So the fact that she’s saying she’s “too small” for intercourse is just a limiting belief, likely from trauma she’s experienced. Some women have been abused as children and don’t even remember it. Others have tightness in their pelvic muscles from childbirth wounds. Still others have had no physical trauma, but the emotional pain they’ve suffered from shame (usually religious shame) can cause them to contract and tighten such that they don’t feel like a penis would fit inside.

It sounds like your girlfriend has had some traumas to her genitals, either from sexual abuse or from childbirth. You should certainly ask her.

Pelvic relaxation and learning to trust you touching her genitals is the first thing you can do to help her solve her problems. Help her relax. Essentially you want to have her do “reverse kegels.” Instead of tightening, she needs to work on opening and relaxing.

I recommend going through my Steamy Sex Ed® Video Collection and do the Yoni massage and then the orgasmic massage techniques that are inside that program.

My husband did this for me and my vulva is very open and orgasmic now.

I was repeatedly sexually abused and beaten as a child and was very cut off from my vagina. My husband’s massages healed me.

They started as nurturing healing massages and graduated to sensual massages and then to sexual massages.

He’s been giving me pussy massages for 15 years. Yesterday he massaged me and I came for a half hour, including female ejaculation and G-Spot orgasms. Then we had incredible intercourse.

It can be healed! And her vagina is only tight because of this trauma.

Also, her speaking, talking, verbalization is also muted from this trauma. Get her talking about her pain and opening up about all the suffering she’s felt. This will help release the trauma and open her up on both ends.

Good men have been helping their women heal for millennia. You are a good man!

You might also benefit from Isa Herrera’s Pelvic Healing Alchemy program or Mariah Freya’s Yoni Massage Program. Check them all out and see what resonates.

What I DON’T recommend is that you marry her until this trauma is released. You are currently in love with her and your infatuation hormones are running wild. In a few months those will wane and you’ll realize you cast your lot with a woman who won’t have intercourse with you. Then you are committing yourself to a sexless marriage — or at least a marriage without intercourse. And though I love oral, intercourse is the way men and women are the most deeply intimate and connected. So to marry someone with whom you can’t have intercourse is really not a good idea.

So get started helping her heal. Learn many techniques for vulva massage. Rub and open her Yoni so that she can relax and want you inside and it feels good. If she is unwilling to try to fix this issue, I’d recommend you tell her that you can’t commit to a life with someone without intercourse. If that doesn’t motivate her, then you have a hard decision. Wait at least ONE YEAR before marrying her if she won’t change. That way you won’t be agreeing to a life without intercourse under the influence of hormones.

Remember, she is SCARED and wounded. Treat her like a wounded bird. She is delicate. But she can be nursed back to health.

Let me know how it goes.


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