“Self-care is giving the world the best of you, instead of what’s left of you.” — Katie Reed
It all begins with you.
If you don’t take care of yourself, you’re not going to be strong enough to take care of anything in life.
That’s why I make it a hard, fast RULE in my personal life to take care of myself.
That means eating the right food for me, staying in physical shape, exercising, taking the right supplements, keeping myself sexually and sensually healthy and active, and seeking new and innovative ways to keep my mind and body strong and healthy.
I received an email from Roxy about how she’s struggling to orgasm during sex. Check out her email and my response below.
LOVE YOURSELF
“Dear Susan,
I love who you are in the world so much. I hope you can help me.
I am having trouble orgasming.
It seems like the harder I try the more elusive climax becomes.
My husband is feeling emotionally wounded because he tries so hard to please me, but he sees the strain on my face. Sex has become a frustrating experience for us both.
I used to orgasm when we first got together — not easily but at least I’d have one.
Lately, I just service him to keep him happy. But like you said, every time you have sex without pleasure, your Yoni holds a grudge.
Tell me what to do. I’m not mad at my husband in any way and I want to be able to have passionate sex with him.
I really appreciate the way you help us women so much! Can you help me?” — Roxy
Dearest Roxy,
Here’s what I think is happening. You’re having performance anxiety. It’s not just guys that go through it. Women have as much or more anxiety during sex as men.
Yes, stress can make you feel uptight and make it hard to let go and have orgasms. Further, when you don’t take time for self-care and connect to your heart, it’s hard to fully open to your partner.
When your heart energy isn’t flowing it stifles your connection to all your vital energy including you sacral (sex) energy center… the more you feel a deep sense of care and intimacy within the more worthy you’ll feel of the pleasure of orgasm and enjoying your husband fully.
When the heart is open through deep self-care your passion for life and your partner reignite in an effortless way because vital life force some call it Chi or Shakti is awakening within you and your Yoni!
Here’s my “prescription” for your orgasmic joy.
1) Have your man verbally encourage you. “Come for me, baby.” “You look so sexy.” “I love your body.” “You’re my good girl.” Tell him what you like so he doesn’t cause you to contract.
2) Have your husband spend a lot more time massaging your whole body and genitals before you move on to trying to have actual “sex” of any kind. Engorgement — getting your clitoral structure filled with blood — is imperative for having intensely satisfying orgasms. You need a clitoral erection just like he needs a penile erection.
Stress is the #1 reason women struggle to achieve their orgasmic potential. I think you’re psyching yourself out.
3) Have him try new oral and manual pleasuring techniques. You may not actually be getting the stimulation you need to orgasm. Give him lots of feedback.
Notice I have you two talking a lot to each other during sex. You’re on the same team.
4) Use a vibrator. The more you come the easier it is to come. A vibrator is a good cross-training tool. Right now, my favorite healthy vibrator I recommend to women is the
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5) Give yourself more self-care. I recommend grounding by walking on the earth in bare feet. Going for a daily walk. Listening to mindful meditations that lower your stress and bring you back to yourself. Doing some breath work to relax your nervous system. And make sure you have healthy boundaries.
Here is a lovely Ultimate Self Care Kit from Abundant Heart Institute that I think will help you let go of your performance anxiety and get grounded into yourself again. The pressure of life is keeping you from the intimacy you deserve.
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Let me know how things go. Don’t worry. Your orgasms will return, my darling.
