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27 Heart-to-Heart "Sex Talk" Questions To Ask Your Wife

27 Heart-to-Heart "Sex Talk" Questions To Ask Your Wife

Susan,

I am trying Revive Her Drive, but I have my doubts. I am married to a fantastic woman who loves me and whom I love. We have been married for 15 years and neither of of us has ever had intercourse with anyone else. My wife understands the necessity of sex, and so frequency is okay, but it is way more functional than sensual.

I have been trying the mirroring techniques…unfortunately there’s not much to mirror. She doesn’t touch me unless I touch her first. Mirroring would be me laying there keeping my hands to myself.

I was reading this from Tallulah: “Another thing that’s very important in opening a woman up – I don’t know any woman who doesn’t love this – kissing. Kissing, kissing, kissing. It’s super important. Hot make-­‐out sessions will fuel her to the nth degree. And the more aroused she is, the less inhibited and the more open to surrendering she’s going to be. Kissing is a great way to open her up that activates her on all levels. Don’t forget about these hot beautiful make out sessions. And with deeper intimacy she’ll be open to try new things.”

Well, guess what? My wife despises making out. Trying to kiss her only upsets her and causes her to pull away. About once a year she opens her lips wide enough for her tongue to slip out about 1/4 of an inch past her clenched lips for a few seconds.

This stonewall in regard to kissing is worse in the realm of oral as you can imagine–receives it about 4x a year (I brought her to orgasm 2x that way) and has offered about 30 seconds of it to me 2x in 15 yrs. I have never been able to get her to talk about it. I know she was never abused, or anything like that. Every conversation about it ends in SILENCE. The only thing she ever said is “Why is it so important?” (In other words, because that is not her desire it is unimportant.)  Last night I tried the “three kisses” approach–after 30 minutes of massaging her entire body in a non-sexual and then in a sexual manner when she made it clear she was ready–but all I got was SILENCE and her body language said “NO WAY, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK SUCH A THING!”

I really don’t see how this program is going to help. I am by far the more romantic of the two of us. If there are candles, I light them. I put on the music. I turn on the heat when the room is cold. I give her back massages and foot massages all the time. I hold doors for her, I put my arm around her in public and in private every day. I enter the shower when she is in it, never the other way around. She rarely puts her arm around me first–thankfully she at least holds my hand–as long as I reach for her hand first. Unless I beg repeatedly she rarely puts on lingerie–and I tell her every time how beautiful she looks in it. I assist her with the housework to  make her job easier. I put the kids to bed so she can get ready for bed herself.

I don’t know, I think RHD may be a waste of money for me. Nothing I have read so far is significantly different than what I have been trying for 15 years.

Bryan

Bryan,
I have a few ideas for you.
And I agree… kissing,  for your situation, is not the right pursuit. Your gal is waaaaaay shut down or there’s something holding her back that needs to be aired.

You have been doing the romantic stuff and she accepts it but doesn’t warm up from it like most women who need and appreciate the attention that the romance gives them. Frankly, you could be romantic 24/7 and that ain’t gonna thaw your gal.

There’s something inside her… limiting beliefs of some kind, preventing her from relaxing and opening sensually.

And though you’ve been married to her for 15 years, I’ll be dollars to donuts that you couldn’t guess what it is in a million years! Nobody could…

Her stonewalling you with silence has kept you shut down for 15 years and it’s time for some new ideas for you to get this handled once and for all.

One thing I sense is that all your romantic effort has potentially emasculated you. You will kiss her sweet little behind, do all the romantic stuff and still, she has what on the surface seems like a very insulting behavior of stonewalling you to keep you in your place.

You must find out why she won’t talk and what she is thinking. There’s a very powerful set of beliefs shackling her potential.  Help her, Bryan. Help her open her mind to the passion that she deserves and can thrill to.

Since you’re both inexperienced with other lovers, there may well be more education required for both of you to get some techniques that will turn her on. But before we get to technique, we have to find out what the heck is running through her mind.

She thinks that if she robotically gets you off, you’ll leave her alone.
You cannot any longer allow her to masturbate you with her body.
You both deserve passion and sensual pleasure.
You may need to put an end to the sex you are having now until you can get her to reckon with you.

If you stop letting her do her “wifely duties,” because it’s not enough for either of you, it will move her toward having the long overdue conversations you two MUST HAVE.

Stop having sex with her right after you do the Relationship Values Workbook together. It’s in your Revive Her Drive membership.

Do that FIRST. Do it together. Don’t fill yours out ahead of time. Talk through it. This will get her warmed up and talking to you about things other than sex.
You can have PASSION be one of your four relationship values. That will get you to phase two…

NEXT, you’re gonna have to sink your feet into the earth, stand firm, and approach her  with all your masculine strength and confidence and probe what she’s thinking inside her mind about sex with you.

Let’s not bother guessing. We’ll be wrong.

Sit her down. Talk with her about why sex is mechanical, why she doesn’t feel the passion, just ask her a series of questions and answer them for her from your perspective too, so she knows what’s going on in YOUR mind.

Sit there as long as you need to.

Get some food laid in.

Hunker down until she submits.

Seriously. You have been too easy. It’s completely UNACCEPTABLE for her to be this uncommunicative. Do NOT give her an out. She’s been stonewalling you for 15 years. If you have to sit there all night, into the next day, do it. Find the time, in the next 5 days, to make this happen.

I’ve crafted a few questions to get you started thinking about what you need to ask her to understand her frame of mind, her belief system, her fears, her desires…

Please prioritize these and choose the ones that will support you best.

  • What are your beliefs about sex?
  • Why don’t you want to talk about sex?
  • How would you rate or typify our sex life?
  • Whose sex life do you admire? Are there any friends, television or movie characters or other known couples who have a sex life you could see yourself enjoying?
  • What’s missing from our sex life for you?
  • What is your favorite part of our sex life?
  • What is the most troubling part of our sex life?
  • I want kissing, passion, sensuality, responsiveness, affection, initiation… what is it going to take for you to step up and be willing to go on a journey with me to find this together?
  • Do you have any fears about sex? If so, what?
  • Do you have any regrets about sex? Regrets about our sex life?
  • If it was a perfect world for YOU, without regard to my feelings or needs, what would your sex life be like?
  • Is there any kind of sexual pleasuring you want that you have not experienced?
  • Is there any kind of sexual pleasuring that we do together that you like, don’t like, why?
  • What is your definition of great sex?
  • What turns you on?
  • What are your favorite activities?
  • What kind of foreplay would you most like and how often?
  • Are there any special places you like to be touched?
  • What is your most memorable sexual experience?
  • Has your sexuality changed over the years and if so, how?
  • Have I ever done things that make you uncomfortable or turned you off?
  • When was your last orgasm and how was it?
  • Is there anything I do in lovemaking you wish I wouldn’t?
  • What’s the most reliable way to orgasm for you?
  • What is your favorite sexual position?
  • Are there any sexual behaviors you don’t feel comfortable with and why?

Do not be afraid to upset her.
She is a grown woman.
Do not be afraid to ask for clarification and her beliefs.
She is your wife.
She is your life partner.
You both deserve a heart to heart discussion.
Stone walling is NOT an option right now.

We need to find out what is in her head before we can take you to the next level.

With Love,
Susan Bratton

Download this free eBook to learn how to sex talk with your wife.

18 Comments

  1. Susan
    My Wife has similar idea’s about sex, that it’s a wifely duty for children. When I talk about passion she tells me that’s not her ! ————>D”

  2. Can’t start a fire without a spark! Get a vibrator and google the proper ways to use it!

  3. Vibrators are silly basiclly, she is right its in her head, deal with that and nature will deal with it not machines, everything is in her head.

  4. Very effective lesson.

  5. Hi Bryan, We are all in the same boat here I think.
    I agree with the kissing thing. What’s wrong with a cuddle and a snog?
    Nothing! but it doesn’t happen.
    I was doing lots of “helpful” stuff too butit doesn’t work.
    Have another read or listen to Karen Brody. It looks like maniplulation “to get sex” as she puts it. A brilliant and uplifting interview.

  6. I have to wonder if religious beliefs are a player here. Many times people are taught that sex is sinful, period, as opposed to how it is important for us physically, psychologically and spiritually, what it’s useful for (besides making babies), and when it is appropriate to engage in, or refrain from. Yes, I have gotten that kind of advice and instruction from ministers, priests and other religious workers. But it is rare, and quite honestly I consider those people to be courageous. If she is burdened with religious obstructions on top of psychological ones, it adds another layer of complexity to Bryan’s situation. If that’s the case, he may need to seek out one of these enlightened people to help him help his wife to understand that sex, in the proper context and practice, can be intensely spiritual and bring her even closer both to her husband AND her Creator.

  7. Bryan,
    You are still lucky to get a BJ 2x in 15 years, I havent got one in 12 years.

    • Oh you poor man.
      Get a hold of Sloanes new program on oral sex.
      Great ideas to get more.
      My wife loves giving oral. Reason, I have taught
      her how great it is to receive and give it.
      At first she did not like it. Now she loves to give and receive.

  8. Almost the exact story, except that my wife was abused sexually for years as a child. After therapy we got through that but she still hates sex. We haven’t been intimate in any form even to holding hands in a year. Its tough. Good luck to you.

    • Food for thought for u n ur missus. After u empty a house of the old furniture u need to replace it with new luxurious furniture. U n ur missus r on da verge of a fantastic relationship. Therapy has only got u half way u need to finish the rest of the journey.

  9. I can identify with Bryan. My wife was sexually abused as a child and it had ugly consequences in the sexual department of our marriage. I tried many, many things to spark the romance in our relationship and nothing really seemed to work. I wish I had had Susan’s information and input four decades ago. What Susan has put together and her approach to relational intimacy is amazing in my estimation. My wife died of cancer some three years ago now after 41 years of marriage but since then, Susan’s advice has helped me to be the man that I need to be and has helped me to gain the confidence I need in my own masculinity. The girl friends I have had since my wife’s death have all commented on my masculinity and confidence and strength even though I was a wus all my married years. I have received much healing and look at relationships and intimacy much differently now than I ever have in my life. Unleashing a woman’s sexual side is very beautiful to behold but it can remain an enigma and very illusive. In Bryan’s case, I think his wife is either suffering from guilt of some sort, some self consciousness perhaps in her looks or in her body, or she is having an emotional or an actual physical affair with another man. Those three possibilities came to my mind as I was reading his saga. I think most woman respond to the “Bad boy” syndrome and if Bryan could play act some dominance and have an “I don’t care” attitude, he might get a rise out of her. I was always such a nice guy and never knew about dominance and adventure and making her feel safe, sexy, secure and feminine. We as men are to draw the beauty out of our wives and in turn they draw out our masculinity and strength. Sometimes that basic requirenement of good marriages goes haywire and someone’s needs go unmet – usually both of them suffer in silence. In Bryan’s case, I believe there is a hot, sensual woman behind that cold, sexless facade and the right combination will arouse the animal in her and she could very well become more than he can handle. Wouldn’t that be a dream come true? In addition to Susan’s questions which will open the door to more steamy questions and hopefully steamy experiences, perhaps he could try texting, flirting, teasing and things like that. There are hundreds of romantic tips and ideas available for him to explore and try. Don’t ever give up. She is worth it. There is a thing called inner healing which I have gone through and which has helped me overcome being shut down as an 8 year old by my father. If he and she could experience this sort of inner healing, it would revolutionize your marriage and she couldn’t keep her hands off him. I’ve seen this work in several marriages and it is miraculous. Also, Bryan should ask himself if he is angry, short with her or irritable in her presence. Is he meanspirited, cranky, negative or verbally abusive? Does he really listen to and hear her heart or is everything about him? Does he criticize her and tell her what to do and wear and otherwise try to control her? Is he into pornography which could turn her off and cause her to stonewall him. All of these things and a myriad of others can turn the hormone and romantic dial to zero in a woman and there will be nothin in the sexual area for him. Relationships, as everyone knows, are extremely complicated to begin with and many things can go wrong. When they click on all 8 cylinders, it can be heaven on earth whereas the opposite can seem very much like hell. I know we all prefer the heavenly side.

  10. I realized I put my whole name in the previous response. Would you be so kind as to remove it for me. Thank you

  11. Boy, does this hit the nail on the head for me. However, now my wife has thrown another obstacle at me. She knows I read a lot of the Personal Life Media information on a regular basis, since I am a subscriber of RHD. I have been trying to implement everything I have learned over the last few years, and now she says I need to quit reading, and spending money, on all of this information. It is a waste of time and money.

    OUCH! That hit the whole core of my being!

    I am finally giving up! Not on the reading and learning, but on the sexual, romantic, and intimate side of our relationship. Unfortunately, I now understand why there is so much infidelity in the world.

    We have been married for 13 years now, and we are both in our early 50’s. If it weren’t for having kids at home still, I would be looking for a different mate who enjoys the kinds of things I like. Life was excellent 10 years ago. Now, everything has changed.

    She says I am having a mid-life crisis, and I believe she is in the middle of some major menopause issues. She is in total denial and refuses to even be checked.

    Sorry for the negative attitude.

    Keep up the good work Susan, and all the staff at Personal Life Media. I will continue to follow, read, and learn. Who knows, maybe I will get to implement what I am learning later.

    • JG,
      I just saw your post on our blog and I want to encourage you to talk, talk, talk to her. Don’t stop explaining how important lovemaking is to you. Find out what her obstacles are. Enroll her in her own integrity. Remind her that she agreed to have and to HOLD.
      If you give up now, you lose forever.
      Put up with the friction. Deal with the blow back. Take the anger in stride. Just let her rage but don’t let her stonewall. It’s unacceptable for either of you to just GIVE UP. There is absolutely a way back.
      If you’ve read and tried the advice in Revive Her Drive and she’s still resisting, I’d suggest you purchase this book:
      Intimacy and Desire by David Schnarch. It’s FANTASTIC advice and insights for those most stubborn of marital relationships.
      David brings 30 years of clinical experience to what he calls, “sexual gridlock.” You will see how he “solves” many couples’ issues and you’ll feel more confident that you can overcome, fix or workaround anything your wife is resistant to. As long as you’re willing to hear her truthfully tell you her real issues.
      Don’t stop now. When a man is not getting made love to by his wife, it can GUT him. Your anger and frustration will not help you move forward. Bring your compassion for her to this but do not allow her to stonewall you. You must push for progress.
      Please buy it. Read it. Email me. I really care.
      Love,
      Susan

    • If you have medical issues, that’s another thing but generally you should never, ever bring up the PMS word or anything related with a woman. You don’t have menstrual cycle so you can’t understand it. Also calling her bitch or using the S word is not manly and will not help you. You should instead say “honey, i don’t agree with you. you seem to be under a lot of pressure now so we’ll talk about this later on.” Then approach her at later time.

      ~AJ

    • I totally agree with you. I am so glad I found this page. I need help. My wife is the same way. We have been married for 12yrs now. She denies anything is wrong. The articles above are an exact replica of my wife. I find it hard to stop the sex until this issue is addressed. I have come close to telling her that I will look for someone else who can satisfy me sexually if she doesn’t change but I feel that would be cruel. At the same time it is affecting me mentally and emotionally. I do not know what a good day feels like. I have begged her to tell me if I am the problem and I always end up with the “No, you are fine” answer. We have 3kids together.
      I plan to throw the questions Susan suggested above at her tonight in a special bedtime meeting to see where it leads. Sometimes I would get the silliest excuses from her as to why she can’t have sex, sometimes none at all. I will not repeat all the above posts describing her and what my relationship is like but I can say it is exact. She is the type that puts on body armor to bed. It is not uncommon to wear jeans to bed for her. I will give it a try but I gotta say life is short and I want to stay happy. I am only 43. I never knew my sex life would be this horrible.

  12. Brian

    I mostly agree with what GV says up there. Normally I would recommned not seeing her for a month or so and hang out with other women as you’ve clearly overtrying and she’s sooo fed up with you being THERE all the time. To get her to change her mind but since you’re married… make yourself less available. Be more mysterious. It sounds like you’re too predictable. Get excited in your life. You sound like there’s nothing going on in your life now other than pleasing your wife. You say you put your arm around her EVERY DAY and give her foot massages “all the time”. A woman is like a flower: overwater her with love and she will get sick. She must feel more like a patient than a lover. Who the fuck wants to go a doctor every day?

    She wants to be taken on a romantic ride. try reading a few romantic novels and see how the man acts there. The way you’re assisting her in house chorse and putting kids to bed is often described there and believe me it can even lead into some sex play.

    You want to find out something there you’re comfortable with. Women can sense when a guy is just trying something recited on a pickup site and when he’s being true to himself.

    ~AJ

  13. Extremely right a relationship without sex is tasteless its important with married couples

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