27 Heart-to-Heart "Sex Talk" Questions To Ask Your Wife
I am trying Revive Her Drive, but I have my doubts. I am married to a fantastic woman who loves me and whom I love. We have been married for 15 years and neither of of us has ever had intercourse with anyone else. My wife understands the necessity of sex, and so frequency is okay, but it is way more functional than sensual.
I have been trying the mirroring techniques…unfortunately there’s not much to mirror. She doesn’t touch me unless I touch her first. Mirroring would be me laying there keeping my hands to myself.
I was reading this from Tallulah: “Another thing that’s very important in opening a woman up – I don’t know any woman who doesn’t love this – kissing. Kissing, kissing, kissing. It’s super important. Hot make-‐out sessions will fuel her to the nth degree. And the more aroused she is, the less inhibited and the more open to surrendering she’s going to be. Kissing is a great way to open her up that activates her on all levels. Don’t forget about these hot beautiful make out sessions. And with deeper intimacy she’ll be open to try new things.”
Well, guess what? My wife despises making out. Trying to kiss her only upsets her and causes her to pull away. About once a year she opens her lips wide enough for her tongue to slip out about 1/4 of an inch past her clenched lips for a few seconds.
This stonewall in regard to kissing is worse in the realm of oral as you can imagine–receives it about 4x a year (I brought her to orgasm 2x that way) and has offered about 30 seconds of it to me 2x in 15 yrs. I have never been able to get her to talk about it. I know she was never abused, or anything like that. Every conversation about it ends in SILENCE. The only thing she ever said is “Why is it so important?” (In other words, because that is not her desire it is unimportant.) Last night I tried the “three kisses” approach–after 30 minutes of massaging her entire body in a non-sexual and then in a sexual manner when she made it clear she was ready–but all I got was SILENCE and her body language said “NO WAY, WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK SUCH A THING!”
I really don’t see how this program is going to help. I am by far the more romantic of the two of us. If there are candles, I light them. I put on the music. I turn on the heat when the room is cold. I give her back massages and foot massages all the time. I hold doors for her, I put my arm around her in public and in private every day. I enter the shower when she is in it, never the other way around. She rarely puts her arm around me first–thankfully she at least holds my hand–as long as I reach for her hand first. Unless I beg repeatedly she rarely puts on lingerie–and I tell her every time how beautiful she looks in it. I assist her with the housework to make her job easier. I put the kids to bed so she can get ready for bed herself.
I don’t know, I think RHD may be a waste of money for me. Nothing I have read so far is significantly different than what I have been trying for 15 years.
I have a few ideas for you.
And I agree… kissing, for your situation, is not the right pursuit. Your gal is waaaaaay shut down or there’s something holding her back that needs to be aired.
You have been doing the romantic stuff and she accepts it but doesn’t warm up from it like most women who need and appreciate the attention that the romance gives them. Frankly, you could be romantic 24/7 and that ain’t gonna thaw your gal.
There’s something inside her… limiting beliefs of some kind, preventing her from relaxing and opening sensually.
And though you’ve been married to her for 15 years, I’ll be dollars to donuts that you couldn’t guess what it is in a million years! Nobody could…
Her stonewalling you with silence has kept you shut down for 15 years and it’s time for some new ideas for you to get this handled once and for all.
One thing I sense is that all your romantic effort has potentially emasculated you. You will kiss her sweet little behind, do all the romantic stuff and still, she has what on the surface seems like a very insulting behavior of stonewalling you to keep you in your place.
You must find out why she won’t talk and what she is thinking. There’s a very powerful set of beliefs shackling her potential. Help her, Bryan. Help her open her mind to the passion that she deserves and can thrill to.
Since you’re both inexperienced with other lovers, there may well be more education required for both of you to get some techniques that will turn her on. But before we get to technique, we have to find out what the heck is running through her mind.
She thinks that if she robotically gets you off, you’ll leave her alone.
You cannot any longer allow her to masturbate you with her body.
You both deserve passion and sensual pleasure.
You may need to put an end to the sex you are having now until you can get her to reckon with you.
If you stop letting her do her “wifely duties,” because it’s not enough for either of you, it will move her toward having the long overdue conversations you two MUST HAVE.
Do that FIRST. Do it together. Don’t fill yours out ahead of time. Talk through it. This will get her warmed up and talking to you about things other than sex.
You can have PASSION be one of your four relationship values. That will get you to phase two…
NEXT, you’re gonna have to sink your feet into the earth, stand firm, and approach her with all your masculine strength and confidence and probe what she’s thinking inside her mind about sex with you.
Let’s not bother guessing. We’ll be wrong.
Sit her down. Talk with her about why sex is mechanical, why she doesn’t feel the passion, just ask her a series of questions and answer them for her from your perspective too, so she knows what’s going on in YOUR mind.
Sit there as long as you need to.
Get some food laid in.
Hunker down until she submits.
Seriously. You have been too easy. It’s completely UNACCEPTABLE for her to be this uncommunicative. Do NOT give her an out. She’s been stonewalling you for 15 years. If you have to sit there all night, into the next day, do it. Find the time, in the next 5 days, to make this happen.
I’ve crafted a few questions to get you started thinking about what you need to ask her to understand her frame of mind, her belief system, her fears, her desires…
Please prioritize these and choose the ones that will support you best.
- What are your beliefs about sex?
- Why don’t you want to talk about sex?
- How would you rate or typify our sex life?
- Whose sex life do you admire? Are there any friends, television or movie characters or other known couples who have a sex life you could see yourself enjoying?
- What’s missing from our sex life for you?
- What is your favorite part of our sex life?
- What is the most troubling part of our sex life?
- I want kissing, passion, sensuality, responsiveness, affection, initiation… what is it going to take for you to step up and be willing to go on a journey with me to find this together?
- Do you have any fears about sex? If so, what?
- Do you have any regrets about sex? Regrets about our sex life?
- If it was a perfect world for YOU, without regard to my feelings or needs, what would your sex life be like?
- Is there any kind of sexual pleasuring you want that you have not experienced?
- Is there any kind of sexual pleasuring that we do together that you like, don’t like, why?
- What is your definition of great sex?
- What turns you on?
- What are your favorite activities?
- What kind of foreplay would you most like and how often?
- Are there any special places you like to be touched?
- What is your most memorable sexual experience?
- Has your sexuality changed over the years and if so, how?
- Have I ever done things that make you uncomfortable or turned you off?
- When was your last orgasm and how was it?
- Is there anything I do in lovemaking you wish I wouldn’t?
- What’s the most reliable way to orgasm for you?
- What is your favorite sexual position?
- Are there any sexual behaviors you don’t feel comfortable with and why?
Do not be afraid to upset her.
She is a grown woman.
Do not be afraid to ask for clarification and her beliefs.
She is your wife.
She is your life partner.
You both deserve a heart to heart discussion.
Stone walling is NOT an option right now.
We need to find out what is in her head before we can take you to the next level.