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I’m Too Frustrated To "Do All The Work" It’s Going To Take To Revive Her Drive

nullSusan,

I’ve started going through the material, but I have to confess that my motivation is low enough that I’m not feeling like the effort associated with doing the work (which I’m certain will be successful) is worth it.

It’s been enough years, with enough anger, disappointment and frustration, and enough of taking care of things myself, that it just feels easier, less risky, less scary, to stay in my comfortable “friends without benefits” marriage.

I get that I need to lead – but I just can’t get past the point that I have to do all the work, when she’d be quite happy to never touch me in that way again.

I hope that most of your subscribers can get past this point, to make things better.

Brian

Hi Brian,

I’d really encourage you to cultivate compassion for your wife and take the lead in resolving your disconnect.

It’s really not her fault. She’s powerless in that when those love chemicals fade, it just zaps her sex drive.

And women get bored without variety. She’s biologically programmed to be done with you after a few years or a few babies.

The shut down happens quickly and in her body and brain, she just has no interest.
Revive Her Drive is an intervention of sorts.

Mind over matter.

You apply the brain and heart “restart” mechanisms and then you reawaken her senses and her body.

You have to romance her, then turn her body back on, then seduce her.

It does take a while, but you can see results immediately for your efforts, which can make you feel more hopeful to continue.  These early romantic successes also warm you to her and her to you again and your relationship starts becoming more fun.

Right now, you are in a negative spiral, in a funk.

What would it take for you to believe that it’s beyond her control and she’s not doing it TO you?

It’s happening to her too. And though it doesn’t make her as miserable, because of the way she’s wired, she’d still, if the truth be told, love to have a passionate relationship. All women adore romance and passion if they can get it. She’s just given up caring, she’s beyond hoping. And if you are too, that’s a death sentence for you both. Because it’s not her “job” biologically speaking, to initiate or fix. It’s yours, as the man.

You must create that polarity, variety and danger/excitement to get her oxytocin pumping again so she wants you to touch her and give her orgasms, which creates more oxytocin. That’s the UPWARD pleasure spiral.

Start with the Stealth Turn-Around Tricks eBook.

They are easy and simple romantic ideas that you will see her respond to with pleasure.

Then figure out if there are an extraneous resistance issues you have to handle. Or if she’s simply turned off and needs a kickstart.

Then begin touching her again.

Very slowly make her small offers – listen to Dr. Patti’s 4 Keys to Seduction interview.

Email me and tell me how that goes.

Will you try? Please?
Don’t give up.

With Love,
Susan Bratton

13 Comments

  1. I totally agree with Susan here.
    In fact, I was actually a little taken aback that you were ready to throw in the towel on someone you feel is special in your life.
    This is like nothing else you will put your heart, mind, body, and soul into but in the end…with the work…things will be better than ever. This is not a “jumper cable” process. It’s more like the work you have when you get a car with “good bones” and you set out restoring it. Your relationship sounds like mine was in that we both let things drag on and on and then I woke up one day and realized what could have taken a little effort early on (had I realized it needed it) would require me to push up my sleeves and take ownership and determine to be the man in our relationship.
    If you’ve “check out” it’s probably because you look at her and say inwardly that you desire her and any issues are up to her. That’s not being a leader. If her drive is low, it’s because for whatever reason she doesn’t see you as something to desire. That’s where Susan’s info comes in.
    You bought it, but buying it does not make it better any more than buying a book on renovating your home will not get your bathroom remodeled. You have to open up the pages, trust that the author knows what to do and get after it and you don’t stop until the job is done and you are enjoying your newly remodeled bathroom.
    Hang tight and get to work…from one man to another…you got this bro.

    • Hi, I am Brian’s wife, I’ve not lost my interest in making love. I’ve always enjoyed making love to Brian. In fact, it is the best that I’ve ever had. However, when I caught him cheating, it has totally destroyed what we had. He went out to a sex polar and had oral sex with some woman that he does not even know. Then he came home wanting to kiss me when he has put his tongue into another woman and had to pay for it. Oh, she gave him a blow job. In other words, they did each other. Then he lied about it when I caught him and did not admit it until I showed him the text messages between he and the other women. He needs to tell the truth and stop putting me down. I married him because I loved him and expected him to love, honor and respect me. He even made plans to continue to see this woman and stated that he would be back on a regular basis. He state that he just needed to work it out in HIS budget. This is our money together that he paying a hoer to do oral sex on her while she does him. I am deeply hurt, I thought that this was something special for the two of us. I feel that he has violated our marriage vows. I’ve never step outside of the marriage. We are both 69, and I thought that we would be together for the rest of our lives. We been married for 9 1/2 years.

      He calls it a friend without benefit marriage, but HE is the one that violated the marriage and had oral sex with another woman. When I read your response to his email, I thought that it would be fitting to explain to each of you that he is not being truthful.

      When he came home from his supposedly “massage”, I asked him how was his massage. His exactly statement to me was “it was fun”, the wheels starting in my head because as many massages that i’ve had and spoken to people about, not one has ever said that it was fun.

      So you see, Brian is full of it, trying to make people believe that I am the awful wife that will not make love to him. I am not that way, I only wanted my husband to love and be true to me. Now you have heard the part of the story that he is not telling.

      I remain lonely, deeply hurt and violated. You can respond to me if you wish.

      • Men do not good looking for anything if they they r getting it at home.

    • I must say that I sympathize with Brian and am a trifle puzzled why it takes only the man to do all the work: what happened to taking 2 to tango? Or is it that women won’t buy this material and only men are silly/desperate enough? But in truth, all this is not even gender specific: most things apply to both sexes. Leading doesn’t mean doing all the work, it still needs the willing co-operation of the partner to work. If sex is important to one and it is not forthcoming, then leave and find some-one who is more interested!

      • Hi Peter,
        Women seem to want to put their money into “how to catch a man.” Where men want to invest in sexual techniques to pleasure a woman.
        I believe this is because biologically men complete to have sex with women. Women do the choosing. The masculine leads, the feminine follows.
        With culture and religion draining so many women’s sexuality, it makes it even harder for a woman to initiate.
        I find that when you are willing to invest in opening a woman to her sexual potential — which sometimes includes deconstructing the bullshit shame and sexual oppression and even sexual abuse a woman has gone through — she becomes solid in her sexuality and then finally begins to take the reins sometimes.
        I know what you want is to be desired and ravished. I feel for you and all men who get discouraged.
        Know that you are working against our primal nature if you waste time holding a grudge about what IS.
        Pick up the mantle and step forward.
        Love,
        Susan

  2. My first suggestion is to make an appointment with a urologist who specializes in mens health issues. My guess is your testosterone level is low. There are cost effective ways of fixing that. I’m 80 years old and I give myself testosterone injections. No big deal. It’s like insulin injections for diabetes if a man has that condition. In additions to Susan’s suggestions I suggest a “road map” type course sold by Calle Zoro who describes in detail what you need to do as a man to reclaim your woman. Well worth the cost. It’s not theory, he’s been there and done that and includes a lot of support for you through the process. There’s a forum where other husbands share ideas and help each other. You loved her and wanted her in the beginning. Get her back. You will be a better man for it. Good luck

  3. Sorry Susan, I agree with Brian!

    Susan, if what you say is true for most women (and it may be, ‘cos I don’t have statistics), why aren’t these facts publicised to WOMEN and MEN in their younger years, so that BOTH sexes can at least – TRY to take preventative action when women’s hormone levels and/or motivation is higher?

    If men KNEW in advance, that this miserable state of affairs is part of women’s normal physiology and sexual outlook, I am sure many would NOT get married. (or would have the wife sign a prenuptual agreement with an escape clause to allow one side to FORCE the other to take therapy if he/she refuses to participate in a minimal sexual frequency – say once a week.

    It is absolutely UNFAIR that the burden if sexually-frigid or emotionally-apathetic women, should be born by men alone.

    I have read the material in Revive her Drive.
    tO me it seesm kike some elborate Utopian exercize.

    My God, I have to offer my spouse a list of choices each time I want to make love, and (more or less) beg for her mood to change ?

    If I really have to do that, masturbation is blessed relief, even if it is emotionally UNSATISFYING.
    If is one thing for both spouses to go thru’ all those arduous exercises, IF and WHEN, the wife is MOTIVATED to change.

    But it is complete druggery for the husband to try and .. repeatedly motivate his spouse when her libido is zero, and she feels that …… this is part of life for a woman to lose interest.
    BTW, my testosteronbe levels are NORMAL for amiddle aged man, and my spouse is younger than me, but STILL has zero libido. But she will not read any material on how to normalize her thyroid (which is also low), or to use bioidentical homormes.

    Basically, it seems that if a woman has some hangups from her youth, then her sexual attitudes become very rigid, and…. she is NOT motivated to even question, WHY her libido is zero.

    If I had known such a situation was going to happen eatrlier, I would have insistes that my spouse seek therapy when she still had some libido.
    Now I have ZERO leverage, despite buying a whole lot of books and meterials for couples, and NOBODY to use them on !

    Personally I am trapped in this situation and fed up about it.

    And I totally understand why men in this situation have affairs.

    But I’m glad that your method works for other couples.

    I still believe in romance, love and marriage.

    Ironically, if I were to relive my life, I would be much more selective and cautious about WHOM to marry, and sexual compatibility would be a very important factor.

    Love cannot overcome a basic lack of desire in one partner.

    And in some cases, marriage can become a trap, where it is TOO costly to escape from, (seeing the cost on terms of children, finances,etc.)

    Older and wiser!

    • You obviously value finances more than your value your life. If the marriage is as bad as what you say it is, and you have no interest in fixing it, then you would get out. How can I say that? Because I have done it. I walked out of the house with nothing but my clothes, and lost everything, the children, the house, the car, every single thing that I had worked for was gone. You are obviously happy to stay in a love less, sex less relationship and complain about it, all along doing nothing to fix it.

  4. thanks, good info

  5. I empathize with you, Brian. I am in the process of first using RHD and I’m starting to see some results. I felt the way you did at first, but there were a couple of things to share that made a difference for me.

    Even though RHD is marketed as a way to get more sex, and in fact it works for that, more sex comes from applying the principles to the relationship, not just to get more sex. The program really works better when you think of it as reviving her drive to have a better relationship with you, rather than thinking of it as a way to revive her drive for you to get more sex. This was even covered in one of the segments. If you have a “get” attitude, you won’t see as much success. The motorboat/sailboat analogy also brought this home for me. So what’s so wrong with being the captain of her sailboat? You still get to the destination, more sex, but you just have to know what kind of boat you are sailing.

    Secondly RHD gave me permission to put a stake in the ground with my wife that regular sex was an important part of what I wanted from the relationship. She responded to that. We have more sex now, so I hope that is just a start that will eventually lead to what I really want, which is to have more passion. She started to negotiate, if you do this honeydo thing for me, I’ll give you a blowjob. Given that I’ve had more blowjobs since starting RHD in the last weeks than I did in our entire 30 year marriage, this appeared to be a huge win for me. However, I decided she was not going to use sex that way on me and I shut down that line of thinking right away. I still get blowjobs. I think she LIKED that I didn’t accept her offer!

    I’d also like to point out that one of the prerequisites stated in the course is that she at one time over your history liked sex with you. The less enthusiastically you can agree with that the more you may need professional counseling to get things started.

    Also, no one promised that it would be easy, risk free, less scary, or even comfortable to make the changes you want.

    I see the letter is almost 3 years old, but I hope this helps others who see this.

  6. Well first, we as men with all the responsibility, need to fix our low libido, ED and PE problems brought on by low testosterone, high estrogen, high prolactin, and life in general. Then we need to fix our wife’s problems!
    What’s the point? How can a man with no drive even be bothered to revive her drive?
    It might be fine for a man who still has some interest in keeping sex alive in a relationship. But if the man has also lost interest what hope is there to recover from that?

  7. As a man, susan, I’m torn on this.

    I get that it’s a man’s job to lead, and I hold my pole as the male very high. However, “normal female apaty” is not an excuse, even if it’s biologically programmed; men are equally biologically programmed to seek sexual diversity with other partners, but it doesn’t excuse a partner stepping out on a relationship, or just directing all of his sexual energy AWAY from his partner.

    This is a relationship, and men have emotional needs and get tired and frustrated too; keeping your partner happy is A TWO WAY STREET, and the health and wellbeing of the relationship is BOTH people’s responsibility. Frankly, as a polyamourous person, I fully get the import of dedicating a lot of attention and intention to your Primary partner. However, I also thus know its A LOT easier to simply redirrect your sexual energy if you’re not getting positive feedback, yet still attempting to be warm and loving, even at basic levels.

    I have no problem giving my partner what she needs and glorying in her, even giving her persmission to just sit back and be taken care of on occasion without needing to reciprucate, but I’m a bit put off by the idea that I have to CONSTANTLY cojoule and pamper her to “keep her affection level high”, and she has to do NOTHING but look cute.

    That’s not emotionally rewarding; it feels like I’m “Carrying” a relationship that is supposed to be important to us BOTH. How does one NOT be drained and NOT build up resentment or negative feelings when that mindset is being thrust on them?

    What about the Male partners needs and care?

    How is it fair that if he DOESN’T put in the extra effort, he DOESN’T seem to “value” the relationship, but for her its “biologically how she’s built”?

    I say again, that biology goes BOTH ways; the evidence that men can gain interest in other women shows that. But we have to be able to BOTH override those biological impulses if the relationship is deemed worth it by both parties, wouldn’t you agree?

    I suppose I’m just looking for a bit more balance in this regard, much like how in the Steamy Sex Ed practices there were sections where both partners gave individually, recieved individually, and then BOTH participated EQUALLY in building intamcy and trust. I’m always a proponent more of working together to get a desired result, instead of expecting one partner to “do it all” and hope for change.

  8. I think that if Brian chose to see another woman then it`s up to her to forgive and move on, or for her to not forgive and move out. When trust is no longer in the relationship,one
    person or the other must make a decision to forgive and forget or disolve the relationship.

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