Here’s a letter from Phil asking for help that you might also find valuable in relating to your lady.
Susan,
Since I started using stealth techniques and applying RHD principles to my marriage, I have gotten direct feedback on a regular basis from her regarding her view on sex.
Sometimes she will tell me things like, “Well you are more sexual than I am.”
“You like sex more than I do, or “I am just not that into sex.”
Many times I counter these statements with a positive spin with things like, “You are very sexual and you just don’t know it yet.”
Or I recall our past, which has also brought about interesting conversations.
Sometimes I don’t even respond to it all because I do not want confrontation on the subject.
Anyway, my question is, “What do I say?”
Am I responding correctly? Is there a better response?
Phil
Hi Phil,
One. She definitely has herself in a box, sexually speaking.
She’s verbally denying her sexuality to you, and it seems
she doesn’t feel as sexual as you from the things she’s telling you.
So there’s some kind of feeling that she can’t keep up –
which tends to make a woman give up.
She’ll never be your sexual equal, so why even try?
Can you see how overwhelming that might be for her?
So I’d probe more to get underneath what she means when she says things like,
“Well you are more sexual than I am. You like sex more than I do, or I am just not that into sex etc.”
Just use curiosity, without judgement or the need to “FIX” her, to listen to what her reasons are.
That’s the second piece of this. Your practice is to be judgement free, listen to her and probe for the underlying fears and beliefs.
Once you’ve done that, you’ll have a sense of ways to communicate to her to have her feel more safe about this kind of communication with you.
I’d also listen (I posted transcripts to both too) to Module Month #1 with Otto Collins and Month #2 with Calle Zorro in Revive Her Drive. Otto can tell you how to communicate with her without stressing her out and Calle can tell you more about how to be that safe guy to whom she can tell her secret truths.
Hope that helps!
With Love,
Susan Bratton